Lemon Drop, Cartoon Covers and Smexy Surprises

Long time blog readers know of the existence of my youngest niece, Lemon Drop. Back in the day she was a regular fixture on this blog, appearing in my, now defunct, monthly reading round-up posts. As my Day Job got more demanding, and more importantly, Lemon Drop hit school age, I felt it was best to retire her from blog appearances.  She is now, Lord help us all, 13 years old. I know!  And much to my delight, she's a romance reader.

Here's the thing - she likes romance, kissing and sex off page is fine but graphic descriptions are not her thing. She still, quite frankly, finds the thought of the actual act a bit disgusting.  I mean, she's 13 - and also I have to admit I find this refreshing given the fact that kids grow up too darn fast these days anyway.  So I say, shine on Lemon Drop.

Well, here's the problem. The genre seems to love the idea of slapping illustrated covers on every blessed adult romance being published these days, regardless of tone and/or content. I will preach this with my last dying breathe - cartoon covers convey fun, light, frothy - they do NOT signal angst or hot, graphic smexy times.  They just DON'T.  So for that reason part of this exchange with my sister enrages me, but I also find it pretty funny because, hello, this is my niece we're talking about.  Here's how it went down:

Wendy's Sister: I'm in Lemon Drop's room. I see A Very Merry Meet Cute on her dresser. I read the back cover and see ADULT FILM STAR in the first line of the summary.  Um, Lemon Drop, did you start reading this book?

Lemon Drop: No but I think I should sell it. I went to put a bookmark in it so I could start reading and saw a bit that maybe isn't for me.

WS: (opening to the page where the bookmark is and seeing the word COCK). Um, well, yeah, the summary mentioned an adult film star. Didn't you notice that? It means porn, so like there will be sex in this. Probably a bit more graphic than you want.

LD: I thought that just meant a film star in regular movies. Not kids movies!

WS: 😂

Aside from my sister: I reminded her that I'm fine with her reading whatever but maybe I should at least check since she's not really wanting full graphic sex in her books. Gotta love her sweet naïve mind.

Insert Wendy grumbling about cartoon cover trend then "Bless her heart though."

(Wendy aside - Sierra Simone writes HAWT which my sister didn't know but Julie Murphy wrote frickin' Dumplin' for cripes sake which my sister did know and well, here we are)

WS: I just skimmed a page and read "warm hot cunt."  I started laughing and Lemon Drop said "Can you stop laughing at my failure?!?" 😂  Seriously, blog fodder. Lemon Drop and smut...

Lemon Drop: Are you gonna let this go? Can't we get past my humiliation for this holy holiday? 😂

WS: Seriously, I'm dying. My kid cracks me up.

Wendy: This is going on the blog for sure.

WS: She's so sweet. Cracks me up. But yes very naïve. Nobody should mess that up or I'll kill them. LOL.  I mean, she knows everything but knowing and REALLY knowing are two different things.

Wendy: My Man says enjoy it while it lasts 😂

Lemon Drop: Book Reviewer-In-Training

Lemon Drop: Thanks for the Christmas presents Auntie Wendy!  Even if you and Auntie Big Sis need to work on your communication skills a bit....

Me: How was I supposed to know that we were both going to buy you the same T-shirt?  Oh well, it's a good thing I bought you two gifts - otherwise I might have gotten thrown out on my ear.

Lemon Drop: I was tempted, but Mommy wouldn't let me.  Besides, all is forgiven since you got me this awesome book!

Me: So, how did you like The Carrot Seed by Ruth Krauss?  It's a classic you know. 

Lemon Drop: Oh, it's very good Auntie Wendy.  You'll have to thank Bat Cave Reader, Jami, for recommending it.  I was riveted by this book!

Me: Tell me all about it cupcake....

Lemon Drop: Well, it's about a little boy who plants a carrot seed, and everybody tells him it won't grow.  His parents, his brother, everybody!  But the little boy believes, takes care of the seed, waters it, tends to it and one day.....

It grows and grows and grows!  The boy gets a big giant ginormous carrot to grow!

Me: Wow, that does sound exciting.  What do you think the message of this story is?

Lemon Drop:  Well, it's obvious isn't it Auntie Wendy?  Never listen to grown-ups, they have no idea what they're talking about.

Me: Uhhh.....

Lemon Drop: Seriously, what did that little boy's parents really know?  He didn't listen to them and look what happened!  He grew a giant carrot that could feed an entire third world country!  Yep, adults and older brothers have like, no clue.

Me:  Uhhh..... 

Lemon Drop: Why do you look so worried all of the sudden Auntie Wendy....

Me: Oh man, your Mama is going to kill me.

Lemon Drop: Dude, Uncle My Man was right.  You are easy to mess with.  Geez, I know that's not what the story is really about Auntie Wendy!  It's about believing in yourself.   That if you believe and work hard, anything is possible.  Man, you are gullible.  Are you sure you were really Librarian of the Year?

Me:  Whew!  Dodged a bullet with that one.....

Auntie Wendy's Top 10 Baseball Movies

Lemon Drop:  Auntie Wendy, it's Opening Day for Major League Baseball, what are you doing at work?

Me: Well Lemon Drop, Opening Day is not an official national holiday (although it should be!), and I'm too much of a good little worker bee to slack off for the day.  So yeah, at work.

Lemon Drop: Mommy tells me you usually wax poetic (with no aid of alcohol!) about baseball on this most joyous of days.  So whatcha got for me?  I'm young, I'm impressionable, I need to be educated.

Me: Sweetie, just for you, I'm going to lay out my Top 10 Favorite Baseball Movies.  I had a hard time narrowing down this list, and putting them in order?  Torture.  But I did my best.  When you get older tell Mommy that I said you could watch them.  Here they are:

10. Mr. Baseball (1992) -Tom Selleck as washed-up major leaguer put out to pasture in Japan.  Not sure this one "holds up" very well in terms of Japanese baseball, but a decent love story and Tom Selleck.  With his mustache.  Wearing a Tigers uniform at the end of the movie.  Swoon.

9. For Love of the Game (1999) - Kevin Costner flashbackin' his relationship with Kelly Preston in the midst of throwing a perfect game against the Yankees.  Not the best movie ever, but did I mention that Costner plays for the Tigers in this one?  And he's throwing a perfect game against the Yankees?  For that reason alone it makes the list.

8. The Rookie (2002) - Despite his tendency to make terrible movies, I heart Dennis Quaid.  There's just something about that guy.  Here he's a high school baseball coach who has discovered that his old fast ball is now a lot more "live."  Loved the bits towards the end of the movie when he's traveling the minor league circuit as an "old man" who desperately misses his family.  Oh, and it being based on a true story adds to the awesomeness.

7. A League Of Their Own (1992) -  Crying?!  There's no crying in baseball!  The only decent movie Madonna ever made.  Geena Davis before the plastic surgery got too scary.  Oh, and Tom Hanks. 

6. A City On Fire: The Story of the '68 Tigers (2002) -  In 1968 cities all across the U.S. were rioting.  Detroit was no exception.  It was also the year that the Tigers won the World Series against the St. Louis Cardinals.  This HBO documentary details their run.  And note to HBO: could you please make this available on DVD?  Seriously.

5. Field of Dreams (1989) -  More Kevin Costner.  Also a movie to watch if you want to see grown men cry.  Great father-son stuff here, but I'll be honest, I watch this movie for James Earl Jones.  And the bit where Amy Madigan takes on the school board.  My wee lil' librarian heart goes squee!

4. 61* (2001) - Yes, about the Yankees.  I'd feel dirty for recommending it if it weren't such a great movie.  Detailing the race between Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle (both Yankees) to break Babe Ruth's (THE Yankee) home run record.  Mantle's less-than-admirable tendencies aren't sugar-coated, and I fell a bit in love with Roger Maris by the time it was all said and done.

3. The Life & Times of Hank Greenberg (1998) - Another great documentary.  Ty Cobb was the greatest player to ever put on a Tiger uniform, but he was also a raging jackass.  For that reason, I always say that Greenberg was my favorite Tiger of all time, regardless of the fact that his peak playing years occurred before your grandparents were born.  People remember Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball, and detail what he had to overcome.  And rightly so!  But the amount of shit Greenberg took for being Jewish?  Not quite as well-known in non-baseball fandom circles.  Plus, he was a damn good ballplayer.  Before Maris and Mantle, he came the closest to breaking Babe Ruth's home run record, and he was an RBI machine.  Not the greatest defensive player, but did I mention he was one tall, handsome, good looking son-of-a-gun?  Swoon.

2. Major League (1989) -  Everyone has at least one movie that they have to stop and watch when they stumble across it on cable.  This one is mine.  Bitchy new owner wants to move the hapless Cleveland Indians to Miami (pre-Marlins) and figures the league will OK it if attendance sucks enough.  So she hires on a bunch of loser misfits, who naturally end up winning big.  You know what I really love about this movie?  Rene Russo plays a librarian and there's a throwaway piece of dialogue where her old boyfriend, Tom Berenger, talks about her getting her Master's degree!  And if that weren't enough awesomeness?  Two words: Bob Uecker.  So awesome.

1. Bull Durham (1988) - The best baseball movie ever.  Period.  End of story.  There should be a law that Kevin Costner is only allowed to play cowboys and baseball players.  Then we could avoid a whole lot of unwatchable "stuff."  Susan Sarandon is so sexy in this movie she could peel wallpaper just by walking in the room.  Tim Robbins excels at playing an epically clueless pitcher with insane baseball promise, and Costner is the world-weary veteran minor leaguer circling their orbit.  Oh, and that sex scene at the end?  Let's just say I'm surprised it was Robbins and Sarandon that ended up a couple after filming wrapped.

Lemon Drop: Boy, you're going to catch flack for this list in the comments Auntie Wendy.  No The Natural?  No The Sandlot?  No movies older than 1988?

Me: Yeah, well - I limited it to ten.  I'm only human.  Besides, that's what the comments are for on a blog post!  I'm sure Bat Cave readers will have plenty of suggestions for you.  Just so long as you grow up to be a Tigers fan.  Why should your Papaw and your Auntie Wendy be the only members of this family to have a long streak of masochism?

Lemon Drop:  Auntie Wendy, what's masochism?

Me: Uh....never mind.  Forget I said that.  Sigh, your Daddy is going to kill me.....

The Month That Was February 2011

Lemon Drop: "It's getting late have you seen my mates; Ma tell me when the boys get here; It's seven o'clock and I want to rock; Want to get a belly full of beer....

My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys; And my old lady she don't care; My sister looks cute in her braces and boots; A handful of grease in her hair......"

Me: Sweetheart, I love Elton John, but I'm not sure this song is...uh...age appropriate.

Lemon Drop:  Geez, Auntie Wendy.  You are so square.  I expected more out of the aunt who talks to me about her erotic romance reading.

Me: Well, tell you what.  Let me talk to you about what books I read last month, and you can think up a song that's more appropriate for an almost-1-year-old to be singing.  Maybe a nice rendition of Mary Had A Little Lamb or Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star?

Lemon Drop:  Wait a minute, didn't you celebrate your blog's anniversary last month?  I'll think up an appropriate song to sing in honor of the auspicious occasion!

Me:  ::pause:: Um, okay.  Sure.  I didn't mark the occasion here at the Bat Cave, but I have been blogging for 8 years now.  Sure, you think up a song.  In the meantime, I only read six books last month.  I seemed to struggle with my mojo quite a bit, reading in spurts.

Title links will take you to full reviews.

Proud Rancher, Precious Bundle by Donna Alward, Contemporary romance, Harlequin Romance, 2011, Grade = B

• Single hero gets the shock of a lifetime when he discovers his baby niece abandoned on his doorstep.  Desperate beyond measure, he seeks help from the heroine - who is currently house-sitting for his neighbors.  Nice traditional romance that didn't feel "old-fashioned."  Harlequin Cheat Sheet: Rancher Hero With Daddy Issues, Divorced Heroine Done Wrong, One Messed-Up Half Sister, Baby Ahoy!

Turn It Up by Vivian Arend, Contemporary erotic romance e-book, Samhain, 2011, Grade = C+

• Heroine with booming biological clock wants a date with a turkey baster when the younger hero proposes marriage.  He's been in love with her forever, and figures now is the time to end her excuses.  Yummy, lickable hero, but I had issues with the heroine.

Land of Dreams by Cheryl St. John, Historical western romance, Harlequin Historical, 1995, Grade = B

• My TBR Challenge read for the month.  Plain Jane spinster heroine takes in mute crippled orphan girl, only to have the child's uncle show-up on her doorstep.  A nice, gentle romance that gave me that warm, cozy feeling that I've come to expect from a Cheryl St. John western.  Harlequin Cheat Sheet: Retired Army Hero, Plain Jane Spinster Heroine, Hero In Pursuit, Two Orphaned Waifs, Small Town

Society's Most Disreputable Gentleman by Julia Justiss, Regency historical romance, Part of series, Harlequin Historical, 2011, Grade = B-

• Wounded Hero pressed into naval service as common sailor is recouping at country estate thanks to an influential cousin.  Heroine is the host's daughter, and dreams of the day when she can finally escape the country and have her Season in London - where she's sure to be belle of the ball.  A quiet, gentle story with a slower, leisurely pace.  Liked the nice "feel" for the Regency era, and enjoyed the declarations of lurve at the end.  Harlequin Cheat Sheet: Gentleman Hero With Zero Prospects, Reformed Rake, Debutante Heroine, Smugglers Ahoy!, One Wastrel Little Brother, One Sequel Baitin' Cousin.

His Wife For One Night by Molly O'Keefe, Contemporary romance, Harlequin SuperRomance, 2011, Grade = A

• The read of the month.  After a five-year marriage of convenience, heroine is ready to call it quits, when hero comes home to the family ranch to lick his wounds when a scientific mission in Africa goes wrong.  An emotionally messy and complicated love story, I devoured every single page.  Harlequin Cheat Sheet: Rancher Heroine, Scientist Hero With Mommy and Daddy Issues, Marriage of Convenience, One Sequel-Baitin' Sister, One Sequel-Baitin' Hunky Hunk Neighbor, One Whiskey Bottle Hittin' Daddy.

The Night Season by Chelsea Cain, Suspense, Book four in series, 2011, Grade = B+

• OK, technically a reread.  So sue me.  Portland, Oregon is flooding and it's up to damaged detective Archie Sheridan, and plucky girl reporter, Susan Ward, to track down a serial killer poisoning victims and dumping them in the river.  Wonderful sense of urgency and a suspense thread just wacky enough to keep me eagerly flipping the pages.

Me: OK, Lemon Drop....tickle those ivories! 

Lemon Drop: "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch; Oh the bitch is back; Stone cold sober as a matter of fact; I can bitch, I can bitch; `Cause I'm better than you; It's the way that I move; The things that I do...."

Me: Oh nice!  The Bitch Is Back indeed!  Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Lemon Drop: ::sheepish smile::

Me: Your mommy is going to kill me, and we won't even mention your father....