Obvious Review Is Obvious: The Batman

This should be obvious, I'm a Batman girl.  When Batman is great it's because DC isn't trying to twist themselves into a Marvel pretzel.  I understand that I'm in the minority here, but I actually think Ben Affleck is a perfectly fine Batman. He's playing jaded, old, busted down Batman - which is a pretty interesting Batman.  The problem is the movies he's been in which have been alien, superpower, tedium.  Batman is Batman when it's operating in a urban crime noir landscape and the only superpower we're dealing with is the fact that Batman is rich.  Nobody is shooting laser beams out of their eyes or some such nonsense.  He's got to get his vigilante BS done the old fashioned way - with lots of cool weapons and money.  Anyway, don't @ me - y'all know I'm right.

So I was pretty excited when I heard about The Batman and when word on the street was that it essentially was going to be a detective story.  Sign me up!  I finally watched it last week via streaming (more on that in a bit...) and what did I think?  Well, a lot of thoughts. 

The Great (or why you should eventually watch this movie):

• Thank you sweet baby Jebus, no origin story. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

• Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman. Full stop. Historically speaking, I'm not a huge Catwoman fan, but I did really like Anne Hathaway's Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises.  Probably the first Catwoman I really dug. Well Kravitz's take is even better, and that's thanks to a script that makes Catwoman a much more integral part of the plot. Plus she's got the whole dark, sassy, vulnerable, "own agenda," playing both sides thing down cold.  She's great.

The Good (stuff I really liked):

• Jeffrey Wright as James Gordon. I love Wright and I think he plays a great Gordon, the only decent cop in all of  Gotham. He looks the part, he acts it, and he takes some heat for letting Batman wander around crime scenes mostly unchecked.  You need a good Gordon in the Batman universe (says Wendy) and Wright's a really, really good one.

• Ugly'ed up Colin Farrel as The Penguin.  Dear God, why?!?!?  Why would you cast Colin Farrell in this part and turn my favorite man 'ho into The Penguin?!?!?!  Anyway, I think Farrell is a really good actor and it's fine he's The Penguin except for the whole THEY MADE COLIN FARRELL UGLY!  Ahem.  What I liked was how they wrote The Penguin - as Carmine Falcone's right hand man.  The Penguin is a mobster and there ain't nothing silly about 'im. My least favorite Batman villain is now really, really good.

• John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. First, Turturro looks like New York City, so casting him as Gotham's notorious gangster Falcone was inspired. Batman works best when DC sticks to the roots, which is a detective story centered in a corrupt urban city, so putting the focus of that corruption on a mobster running the city not-so-behind the scenes is great. I loved every minute of it.

The Not So Good (what I was disappointed with):

• Sparkly Vampire Boy as Batman. Look, is this entirely Pattinson's fault?  No, the script doesn't do him any favors.  He's stuck in Emo Batman mode for the entire movie. And that's a problem because the double-life dichotomy of Billionaire Orphan Playboy Prince of the City Bruce Wayne vs. Dark AF Vigilante Batman is the backbone of the Batman story.  There's basically no Bruce Wayne in this movie. It's Emo Batman all the time.  The only real chance Pattinson has to shine is when Emo Batman Boy comes face to face with a young boy whose father was just murdered - that's some heartbreak right there.  Otherwise? Meh. He's not the worst Batman ever (still you Clooney!), but he's very middle of the road.

• Non-existent Alfred. You cast Andy Serkis as Alfred and basically don't give him anything to do. And he'd probably make a very good Alfred, but he has, like, nothing to do.  Admittedly Michael Caine's Alfred is a mountain to climb, but at least give Andy a punchers chance to reach Jeremy Irons Alfred territory.

• Dark AF Riddler.  Paul Dano can act and I'm ALL on board with Dark AF Batman villains.  So I thought for sure I was going to dig The Riddler.  Yeah, not so much.  I mean, he's fine I guess?  I feel like these emo method guys keep aiming for Heath Ledger when they just should chill the F out.  Anyway, The Riddler is the catalyst for the mob plotline so you have to keep him, but after the mob storyline winds down, you're left with The Riddler and it all gets a little tedious.

• Running Time. This movie is Three. Hours. Long.  Want to know why I waited for streaming?  Because this movie is Three. Hours. Long.  I like being able to pause the movie, go pee, refill my adult beverage and get some snacks.  This movie easily could have been a little over 2 hours (tops) with some tighter plotting and editing.

Final Verdict? It's worth watching for Zoe Kravitz and the corrupt city / mob storyline. But Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy is still king of the hill.  B- for me.