Retro Wendy: The “I Only See You” Scene in Jeannie Lin’s My Fair Concubine

This post originally ran on Heroes & Heartbreakers on August 7, 2012 and was part of their Delicious Despair series - posts that talked about emotional "rip your guts out" moments in romances.

When I settle in to read a romance I always hope for two things: 1) that I’ll enjoy the story and 2) that the author will rip my guts out. I love emotional angst. I love moments of delicious despair where the characters are figuratively bleeding on the page. Moments where it seems like all hope is lost, that there is no way to break free. Those are the moments that feed my insatiable appetite for the genre, and it’s such a moment that makes My Fair Concubine by Jeannie Lin so emotionally satisfying. 

Chang Fei Long is a man who is trying to clean up a mess his now deceased father has left behind. In order to do that, he needs to keep the financial turmoil of his house under wraps and secure an alliance with a neighboring kingdom by marrying off his younger sister. The rub is that sister has no desire to enter into this arranged marriage and takes off to be with her true love. Fei Long needs this marriage to happen and since the man arranging it has never met his sister? Why not replace her with a lowly tea house girl? It’s win-win. His family escapes ruin, and Yan Ling, a girl with no future or prospects, gets to live the life of a princess.

What follows is a story set to the Pygmalion theme—a My Fair Lady that takes place in Tang dynasty China. Naturally, as tends to happen with stories of this nature, teacher and pupil end up being attracted to each other, and falling in love. It’s especially poignant here because Fei Long literally has his back up against a wall. This marriage has to take place. If it doesn’t? He’s doomed. His household is doomed. His name, his family’s name, will mean less than dirt. So he feels he must deny his feelings for Yan Ling.

“I think of you, Yan Ling, more than I should.” A wave of longing struck him. “When I see your face at night, I don’t see the tea girl or the elegant lady. I only see you.”  

He could see her now, even though he couldn’t face her.  

“I think of you, too.”  

Her soft confession nearly unraveled him. He had to get this out and be done with it.  

“If I acted on these feelings, if I…if I took what I wanted, it would be an abuse of authority. You’re under my care. That was what I meant when I spoke of our positions. I won’t treat you like that.” His mouth twisted. “As if you’re here for my pleasure.”  

The whisper of silk told him Yan Ling had risen. She approached him while he counted each step with the thundering beat of his heart.  

“You told me I wasn’t your servant,” she said.  

“You aren’t, but that doesn’t change who I am.”  

He turned before she could reach him and took a step away. They had to keep their distance. Yan Ling came closer anyway.  

“The only hours of the day when I’m truly awake…” her lower lip trembled “….are when I’m with you.” 

Not only is it poignant and emotionally draining, it seems so final. How the couple is able to find their way through this moment, a moment that seems to brook no argument, is what makes the happy ending that much sweeter. That, ladies and gentlemen, is romance.

Review: My Fair Concubine

My Fair Concubine by Jeannie Lin is the author's take on the Pygmalion trope.  Basically My Fair Lady set in 9th century China.  I tend to love this theme because, when done well, it says a lot about identity, appearances, and how people perceive both.  Also, the nature of this theme tends to mean a lot of forced proximity for the romantic couple.  After all, one character has to tutor the other in the ways of polite society.

Chang Fei Long is not in a good situation.  His sister, Pearl, has run away from home in the name of "true love."  Which would be all well and good, except the romantic ninny was supposed to be a heqin bride.  As a "princess," a betrothal was arranged for a "peace marriage."  It was a diplomatic practice not unlike Queen Victoria marrying off her children and grandchildren all over Europe.  Pearl running away is a disaster, because with his father's death, Fei Long has inherited a mess.  His house is swimming under a sea of debt, and "losing face" within the diplomatic community would spell certain doom.  Normally not one to take risks, with his back pushed against the wall, that's exactly what he does. 

Yan Ling is a nobody.  Having been left there as an infant, she knows nothing but the lowly tea house where she lives and works.  She's a servant.  Her job is to not be seen.  However something pushes her over the edge the day Fei Long enters the tea room, and the unthinkable happens - he notices her.  Then he spins her the most fantastical tale about "princesses" and "peace marriages" and he thinks he can tutor her in the ways of high society in two months (!).  While the task is daunting, and she thinks he may be a little nuts, Yan is also a terribly practical girl.  Gee, spend the rest of her days toiling in the tea house for masters who barely tolerate her, or go to a faraway land to live the life of a pampered princess?  Yeah, not a tough choice - that is, until all those tutoring sessions with Fei Long blossom into romantic feelings.

This is an interesting departure of Lin, because although she's still working within the Tang Dynasty time period, the bulk of this story is set in the capital city of Changan.  So readers get a glimpse of all the things such a city would have to offer - which includes the markets, entertainment district and a seedy underworld.  It's a feast for the senses for a girl like Yan who has never gone anywhere or done anything outside of the narrow scope of the lowly tea house.

Fei Long is all about honor and propriety.  Anything that would bring dishonor to the family name would be unthinkable, and would result in nothing but disaster.  His father has left a mountain of debts he must deal with, but he must do so very carefully in order not to "lose face."  Also, he needs this deception with Yan to go well.  Because having "Pearl" pull out of this arranged marriage?  Not a possibility.  At all.  Which means even though he's developing feelings for Yan, he mustn't admit them to anyone - including himself.

This story is a bit of a slow mover, basically because of the nature of the conflict.  Fei Long is a very bottled-up man, from an emotional stand-point.  His entire would is about appearances, honor, and respect.  He's a man who has a lot of burdens, a lot riding on his shoulders.  I wouldn't go so far as to label him as repressed, but he's not a terribly demonstrative fellow.  So while he's tutoring Yan, he's also holding himself back from her.

Readers need to understand that, and get past the first half the book.  There's not a lot of "action" during these chapters to keep one glued to the pages.  The meat and potatoes of this story is all in the second half.  When both characters realize that they have these feelings, and the emotional angst starts spilling out on to the page.  There are some amazingly tender, heart-felt, and downright torturous emotional moments with the couple realizing that they may feel the way they feel but it doesn't change their reality.  It was these moments of emotional truth that made this book for me.  Yes it starts out deliberate, even a bit slow, but the payoff is worth it.

Final Grade = B-