Friday, December 17, 2010

The Soggy Bra Epidemic

Dear Romance Authors,

We need to talk.

I like you.  I really do.  But this has gone on long enough.  I can't take it anymore.  I mean, I probably could handle it if only one of you was doing this - but it seems to be an epidemic that cuts across all strata.  I've seen it in contemporaries, historicals, paranormals.  I've seen it with new authors and seasoned veterans.  What is it that has, finally, pushed me to my limits of tolerance and acceptance?

::Big hearty sigh:: 

Here it goes:

Ready to consummate the lust that has been raging between them for the first part of the novel, hero and heroine begin furious make-out session.  Hero then dips his head down and sucks on the heroine's breast.  WHILE SHE'S STILL WEARING SOME FORM OF CLOTHING!  Be it a blouse.  A bra.  A lacy camisole.  That breast ain't naked.

I'm just going to say it.  No man, anywhere, does this.  No man thinks to himself, "Dang, I want this woman so bad.  I want to put my mouth on various womanly parts.  And you know what gets me really hot?  Sucking on fabric."

Granted, I haven't been with every man on the planet in the biblical (or semi-biblical) sense - but I feel fairly confident going out on my limb here.  Using the sampling of men I've known in that way in my life (and no, I'm not telling you how many that is - pervert), none of them have done thisEver.  None of them even attempted to do this.  And I'm sure that none of them thought about doing this.  Why?

BECAUSE NO GUY IN HIS RIGHT MIND WANTS TO SUCK ON FABRIC!

It defies logic. 

It makes no frackin' sense. 

Especially since most guys have the sole mission of Get Her Nekkid As Quickly As Humanly Possible Because Dang I'm Really Horny And I Don't Want Her To Change Her Mind.

OK, so maybe all the men I've known in my life are deviants.  That's entirely possible.  And while my romantic past hasn't been entirely memorable (believe me, there's plenty there worth forgetting) - even as disastrous as some of it was - none of those guys SUCKED ON MY CLOTHES AND LEFT ME WITH DROOL ON MY SHIRT.

Actually, maybe if they had, I would have beat a hasty retreat a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of aggravation.

But anywho, as a personal favor to me - please stop writing this.  Again, it defies logic.  And I can suspend quite a bit of disbelief when it comes to genre fiction, but a heroine who enjoys it when a hero sucks on her clothes and makes them all soggy?  Uh yeah.  Not buying.

Sincerely,
Wendy the Super Librarian

36 comments:

KB/KT Grant said...

LOL. How right you are.

Or how about a hero that sniffs the heroin's panties while she still has them on. I find that so ht, don't you?

Um, do women still wear lacy camisoles under that silk blouses they wear even on the weekends when they are doing housework?

Angela James said...

Ahhh, without totally revealing way too much information about my private life, I'll have to respectfully disagree. This does happen and um, it's more than just an isolated incident.

And that's ALL I'm going to say before I thoroughly embarrass myself but while I appreciate the humor of the post...you're wrong, lol!

Courtney Milan said...

Er. I am with Angie.

nath said...

Oh Wendy!! This is why I love you so much!!! :) LOL, you just put a smile on my face for the rest of the day :)

As for opinion, I have nothing to say... I have no idea whether they do or not LOL.

Samantha Kane said...

I agree. I've been reading this a lot, too, lately, and it's one of those things that makes me go, "huh?" Sucking on fabric is nasty. Unless you have a fetish. But I'd think they'd really want to suck on the real deal. If any sucking is involved there is probably a willing woman. And I've read some books where they don't ever get around to taking off the shirt/bra/camisole/wetsuit/shift/Princess Leia costume. They suck all over the outside, wham bam, and then fight or something and go their separate ways. If they had been allowed to suck on actual flesh (not in the vampiric way), they would not have parted. Or so I always think.

Beth P said...

Wow - I'm married to the wrong guy. (And you can take that either way you want ;-)

KB/KT Grant said...

LMAO @ Samantha. You'd think the suck fetish hero would rip or throw off the lace for a nice taste.

Leslie Dicken said...

I'm with Angela and Courtney. It does happen. Although I certainly see your point!

Insane Hussein said...

I'm with Angela, Courtney and Leslie. It happens. Um, *angel face* heh

Wendy said...

Muwhahahaha! You've all been sucked into my scheme to drum up more comments! Muwhahahahaha!

For those who respectfully disagree with me - I think we'll have to agree to disagree. All I can think during these moments in novels is "Duuuuude, why doesn't he just take off her bra/shirt/camisole/whatever the heck she's wearing."

And then I think about how the heroine will have to walk around with blatant evidence of the tryst afterward because her shirt is all soggy. Or she'll have to change the shirt - in which case the hero is making MORE LAUNDRY for her to do.

Dang, nothing kills romance like more laundry to do.

/end tongue in cheek

And LMAO at Sam Kane's comment! You got me with Princess Leia.

RRRJessica said...

I love you so much right now! I try not to judge my own sexual experiences by those of the heroines in the books I read, but the epidemic of soggy bras had me wondering... is it passe to remove the bra before the breast suck? Does the bra taste better than the breast? Is there some hygenic reason one should keep the bar ON? In short, what is the matter with me that I find the hero getting a mouth full of lint and the heroine getting chapped nipples NOT appealing?

So thank you!

*Goddess* said...

LOL! Love this post and I know far too many women who would be furious to have guy drool on their clothes:)

In reading the comments, I suspect the guys who DO this all work for dry cleaners....

Lori said...

LOLOL!!! I LOVE this post! It's something I've always wondered.

As Angie said... without revealing way too much info about myself... I will say that yes, my hubby has sucked on fabric. Only a silk nightie. And I wondered at the time, while all the silk sucking was going on, if it was going to be difficult to clean later on. How come the heroines never wonder about that?

Aside from those couple incidents, I can honestly say nobody has ever sucked on my bra or my shirt. Hmmmm... do I need to have a talk with hubby?

Wendy said...

These comments are slaying me this morning! I'm going to be chuckling to myself walking around Disneyland today and I'll probably end up scaring small children.

Uh, moreso than usual.

And OMG - Jessica! I didn't think about that! Do romance heroes know something we don't? Do we need to be concerned about Safe Breast Suckage?!

Melissa said...

I'm with Super Wendy. I hate it especially in historicals, when the gentleman leaves the paper thin chemise on, yet still clearly sees the exact hue of her "triangle of springy curls", then devours her "coral" nipple through the fabric.

Victoria Janssen said...

Well, from a WRITERLY pov, there are several reasons to include bra-sucking in a story.

1. He has a bra kink.

2. It's shorthand for urgency - he doesn't want to take the time to remove her clothes before gettin' busy.

3. It's a tease - they both want the clothes off, but they're putting it off on purpose.

4. It's variety - the guy can utilize fabric friction and the like.

5. The heroine encourages it because she never liked that bra, anyway, and if he ruins it, he'll have to buy her a new one.

Lynne Connolly said...

I've never written that scene, and I never will. Promise. I have the same aversion to you - drool soaked clothes are not romantic.
What does fabric softener actually taste like? And why haven't the makers of it realized they're on to a winner and made flavoured softener?

azteclady said...

Hear, hear!





I love you, Wendy!

shayera said...

Wendy wins the day. And possibly all the internets. ;-)

Wendy said...

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that this actually DOES happen. It's probably a good thing it's never happened to me. Knowing me I'd say something smart-assy like, "Like spandex blends do ya?" and end up killing the mood entirely.

And it all makes so much sense now thanks to Victoria! The heroines are hoping to parlay drooly bras into a Victoria's Secret shopping spree!

And LOL - Lynne, you need to call Procter & Gamble stat!

Viv Arend said...

I suppose now is not the time to suggest nursing bras, for those moments of urgent need, and yet will allow hero to have no contact with fabric?

Okay, I won't bring it up. Really.

**Spam word is EXIST. Padded bras EXIST to deal with excessive drooling?**

Anonymous said...

A new definition of the wet spot.

Hilcia said...

Oh Wendy, thank you for the great laugh. I needed that one. True... so true. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks the wet fabric thing is wacked!

Marie-Thérèse said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Wendy! I'm in whole-hearted agreement that there is nothing sexy about this and the thought of sucking fabric actually makes me shudder a little bit in revulsion.

This trope is now so common that I actually ran across it the other day while randomly paging through a romance in the bookstore. The fabric sucking scene grossed me out so much that I put the book down and I probably won't be buying anything by that author in future. Just not my idea of sexytimes!

(And, yeah, I've had guys try it in some misguided attempt to seem recklessly impassioned and I've gently suggested that maybe it would be better if we take the item of clothing OFF first. *rolls eyes* Most were more than happy to comply ;-))

Kaye said...

LOL!!! I just started reading Beth Kery's Wicked Burn tonight and this happened in the first sex scene and I had the same reaction as Wendy.

PK the Bookeemonster said...

I'm in the "it's happened" category. :)

JamiSings said...

I don't know, I like scenes like that. I imagine the sensation of material being stroked over the nipple would be tantalizing. Especially silk or lace. Like a wetter version of him stroking her nipples through her clothing.

Of course afterwards he has to take off the wet item and f**k her until the clothing is dry.

*Goddess* said...

Of course afterwards he has to take off the wet item and f**k her until the clothing is dry.

UNTIL the clothing is dry?! Jami, what guy has that much stamina? Does tossing it in the dryer while they do the dirty deed count? LOL

JamiSings said...

According to romance novels every guy has that kind of stamina, Goddess! Especially paranormals!

Of course they could just take some breaks in between.

Jess said...

I'm with Angela, Courtney, Leslie, Insane, and Victoria.

It happens. And it's hot.

JamiSings said...

Going back and rereading the comments some of the ladies made - gals, think of it like him cramming his mouth full of ice before going down on you. It's a sensation thing. It gives added friction.

I would write something about nipples, lace bras, and stroking but I don't want to be too dirty.

Sharyla said...

I've never had it happen to me, but I'm not sure that it absolutely doesn't happen. I do know it wouldn't happen twice !

The bra/shirt doesn't have to come off all the way...I know for a fact, it can be simply moved, which if done in the right way, can be extremely hot. :D

Great post!!

Wendy said...

OK, seriously - so behind on my comments. That's what happens when Lil' Sis and Lemon Drop come for a visit!

Viv: Read your comment to Lil' Sis out loud and she said, "Well, you know....she's got a point. It would be handy...." LOLOLOLOL

Anon: I knew there was a reason I allowed anonymous comments on my blog! Bless your heart - I about fell out of my chair laughing when I read your comment!

And seconding Jami's comment that why yes - of course romance heroes have enough stamina to last until the clothing is dry. I mean, don't they all? ;-)

I'm sorry I'm not taking the time to respond to everybody on this post - but rest assured, I've read all the comments and loved them to bits.....

Now to dig up some inspiration for a Random Romance Sunday post.....

Kristie (J) said...

OK - I'm late to the party - but hey - isn't that why we women dip our bras in sugar water and let them dry?!?!?!?!?

Anonymous said...

Janet W: Gawd, beyond late to this party. How could anyone forget the Cynster father of Devil book where he's working with a intermediary level of cloth in the nether regions. As it were. And sadly I come down on the side of the sog, loath as I am to disagree with the esteemed blog owner.

Wendy said...

Kristie: Sugar! It all makes perfect sense now!

JanetW: Tsk, tsk - disagreeing with the blog owner. Although since you prefaced it all with "esteemed" - I'll forgive you :)