Friday, December 17, 2010
The Soggy Bra Epidemic
We need to talk.
I like you. I really do. But this has gone on long enough. I can't take it anymore. I mean, I probably could handle it if only one of you was doing this - but it seems to be an epidemic that cuts across all strata. I've seen it in contemporaries, historicals, paranormals. I've seen it with new authors and seasoned veterans. What is it that has, finally, pushed me to my limits of tolerance and acceptance?
::Big hearty sigh::
Here it goes:
Ready to consummate the lust that has been raging between them for the first part of the novel, hero and heroine begin furious make-out session. Hero then dips his head down and sucks on the heroine's breast. WHILE SHE'S STILL WEARING SOME FORM OF CLOTHING! Be it a blouse. A bra. A lacy camisole. That breast ain't naked.
I'm just going to say it. No man, anywhere, does this. No man thinks to himself, "Dang, I want this woman so bad. I want to put my mouth on various womanly parts. And you know what gets me really hot? Sucking on fabric."
Granted, I haven't been with every man on the planet in the biblical (or semi-biblical) sense - but I feel fairly confident going out on my limb here. Using the sampling of men I've known in that way in my life (and no, I'm not telling you how many that is - pervert), none of them have done this. Ever. None of them even attempted to do this. And I'm sure that none of them thought about doing this. Why?
BECAUSE NO GUY IN HIS RIGHT MIND WANTS TO SUCK ON FABRIC!
It defies logic.
It makes no frackin' sense.
Especially since most guys have the sole mission of Get Her Nekkid As Quickly As Humanly Possible Because Dang I'm Really Horny And I Don't Want Her To Change Her Mind.
OK, so maybe all the men I've known in my life are deviants. That's entirely possible. And while my romantic past hasn't been entirely memorable (believe me, there's plenty there worth forgetting) - even as disastrous as some of it was - none of those guys SUCKED ON MY CLOTHES AND LEFT ME WITH DROOL ON MY SHIRT.
Actually, maybe if they had, I would have beat a hasty retreat a lot sooner and saved myself a lot of aggravation.
But anywho, as a personal favor to me - please stop writing this. Again, it defies logic. And I can suspend quite a bit of disbelief when it comes to genre fiction, but a heroine who enjoys it when a hero sucks on her clothes and makes them all soggy? Uh yeah. Not buying.
Wendy the Super Librarian