Saturday, March 7, 2009

Unholy Union

Brace yourselves kiddies - a blog post about American football. Turn back now while you still can.

I was thisclose to completing a blog post about my bookstore run today when My Man literally screamed from the living room, "Holy fecking shit!" Fecking, obviously, not being the exact word he used. I'm thinking someone died. No - but turns out I wasn't far off.

Terrell Owens has signed with the Buffalo Bills. Yes, my Buffalo Bills.

Somebody stop this train, I want to get off.

Anybody who tells you they saw this coming is a dirty rotten liar. I suggest backing away from them as fast as humanly possible in order to avoid the lightning strike. And since this is my blog, and I know y'all are dying to know that I think of this (OK, so probably only Kati cares what I think about this), I'm gonna tell you.

I'm actually looking forward to T.O. in Buffalo and all the drama that will ensue. Because even though the Bills only signed him to a one year contact, that is certainly enough time for T.O. to create havoc in the locker room, get our mediocre coach fired, resulting in the entire dismantling of the boring-ass mediocrity that has plagued the Bills organization ever since Jim Kelly And Company left.

But what does this deal truly mean? Well, I'm here to tell you:
  • T.O. has officially worn out his welcome. Seriously people, he's now playing in Buffalo.
  • The Bills are desperate. The owner, Ralph Wilson, AKA The Leprechaun, is officially 327 years old. OK, he's like 90. Whatever. There is no line of succession. When Ralph is gone, that team is up for grabs, and sure as shootin' their days playing in Buffalo are numbered. Yes, it will be sad - but look at the facts. Buffalo is a dying city. It has been a dying city for at least the past decade (and that's a conservative estimate). Anyone willing to buy that team is going to want to move it somewhere they can actually make some money. In a desperation hail mary play, the Bills played a game in Toronto last year, hoping to expand their marketing base. Their next move? Bring in a player who will get some butts in the seats - and that's T.O. Love him or hate him, the guy knows how to grab the spotlight for good or ill. T.O. is going to sell tickets. This is, of course, assuming any fan in this economy can still afford to buy tickets.
Over this weekend, as your husbands or boyfriends watch ESPN, you'll probably overhear some spin on how this will make the Bills "better." Um yeah, I call bullshit. Yes, our other wide receiver, Lee Evans, will no longer be double-teamed. What everyone seems to be forgetting is the minor detail that we don't have a quarterback. No Bills fans, I'm not a believer in Trent Edwards. There's also the fact that our offensive and defensive lines need major help. So unless T.O. can also play defensive end? Yeah, I'm just not convinced.

But like I said, maybe this one year contact will be enough time for T.O. to be T.O. and my team will finally blow up our huge steaming pile of mediocrity and, you know, rebuild itself into a team that actually has a prayer of winning more than 6 to 8 games a season. That would be a nice change of pace. In the meantime My Man and I are placing bets. He thinks it will take until game three of the regular season for T.O. to start bitching about how he's "not getting the ball." I'm thinking he'll overachieve and start whining even before preseason is over.



Phyl said...

Hey, look on the bright side--maybe this means the Bills will be nationally broadcast once in awhile.

Ha! I suffered thru it when he was an Eagle. I hope he chokes.

Lori said...

Bwahahahahaha!!!!!! Next?

The sad part is that if he'd just shut up and play football, any team would be thrilled to have him. OK, well, not anymore, cause isn't that what he said he was gonna do when he left the 49ers? How many years ago was that?

Wendy said...

Phyl: What's really sad is that T.O. could have been great in Philly. And with Donovan throwing him the ball? Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. But no, T.O. had to be T.O. (you know, a douchebag) and now we're stuck with this circus.

Lori: That is the sad thing. He's a great player - but not at the price of having to put up with his bullshit. Sigh. I know and even sorta, kinda understand why Buffalo signed him. But thank the Lord, they only signed him to a one year deal. At least this means there's an end to the forthcoming soap opera in sight.

Phyl said...

Wendy, you're absolutely right. The ultimate sadness is when such incredible talent is housed in a person who does not have a single clue how to be a decent human being. To quote another great Philadelphian, "He coulda' been a contender..."

Phyl said...

ARGH! Hit publish too soon.

With Donovan he could've gotten the Eagles back to the Super Bowl and a guaranteed ticket to Canton. Now he's mostly a joke. Sad. Just sad.

Rosie said...

Okay is this as bad as the Pudge trade in baseball? Cuz if it is I'll be on my way with medicinal margaritas. S'rsly.

JenB said... least he's out of my city now. Good riddance.

Wendy said...

Rosie: Nothing is that bad. No this is more one part shocking and another part unbelievable.

JenB: Yeah but Tony Romo is still dating that succubus Jessica Simpson. Your troubles, they not be over. Heh.

Kati said...

You have my sincerest sympathies! Believe me when I heard he'd been released, I held my breath because don'tcha know The Danny would want to buy him.

The thing about TO is that he's only signed for a year. He played two good years in Dallas, and he's only signed for one year. And when he decides to catch the ball, he can be amazing.

See? I can be TOTALLY sympathetic when he's not my problem.

No, seriously, maybe he won't be quite as awful as you think.

Um, maybe.

Amy said...

LOLOLOL Succubus, douchebag, I still think T.O. just wanted in on some 3-way with Romo and Jessica. Hater. Of course, Romo has taste, it's just in his a$$. Blech...

Yep, his mouth far outshines his talent, and that's really sad.

Liza said...

The Bills will get some national play time with T.O. there. I'm just glad that Jeff Fisher and my Titans stayed far away from T.O. Of course, I'm still upset that we let Big Albert go to the Redskins.

Nikki said...

We Cowboy fans gave a gigantic collective shout of joy. (did i say that right?). or maybe even just a sigh of relief. Most of us never really forgave him for celebrating on our midfield star. The blaspheme! The disrespect! The--well, you get the idea.
Phyl's probably right--the Bills might get some t.v. time now.
Now, just pray the Cowboys don't sign Michael Vick. And I'm not kidding about that. Jessica has distracted Tony so much that I'm afraid his days are numbered.

Cathy in AK said...

Heck, with a quartback like Edwards *no one* is getting the ball, so T.O. shouldn't feel too upset. Sorry, had to get that in there : P

I'm just glad Seattle didn't look inviting to him, and that the Giants still have the record/personnel to say no thanks. Though they have their own issues with Burris, that meathead. One monster ego per team, please.

JenB said...

Wendy - I like Jessica! Tony Romo is a whiny baby. And he looks like a possum...or maybe a mole. Some kind of beady-eyed rodent-like creature.

I don't actually watch football. I just like the soap opera drama that surrounds the players. :D

Wendy said...

Kati: Well I think you would have ended up with him if not for the fact that Danny had already overpaid for Big Albert. BTW, I've got a bad feeling about that deal.....

Liza: Never would have happened, mostly because Jeff Fisher wouldn't have let it. I covet your coach. Truly, I do.

Nikki: Logically it doesn't make sense for the Cowboys to go after Vick. That being said, nothing Jerry Jones does surprises me anymore. I still can't believe y'all still have Wade as your head coach.

Cathy: No offense. Honestly after we heard the news My Man and I were both like, "Um OK, who is going to be throwing him the ball exactly?"

JenB: Bless your heart! Jessica annoys me, but I can't STAND Romo! How is it that women find him attractive? He always looks "smug" to me. I end up thinking violent thoughts about smacking the smug right off his face ;)

Amy: Succubus and douchebag are technical terms her in the Bat Cave. Ha!

Theresa M. said...

Are you from Buffalo? Because I'm from buffalo and I have been reading your blog for a while and I didn't know you were from buffalo if you are! Awesome. =)

Wendy said...

Theresa: I went to college at UB. Lived in Buffalo for roughly 6 years - hence the microchip now planted in my brain making me a Bills fan for life LOL.

shayera said...

Wendy, I feel for you. I thought of you the other day when I saw the signing.
There were rumors about him and the Raiders. Don't you think California has enough woes without his rear being in our state being one of them?
Oh well. It's only a year. He'll be spreading his evil cooties somewhere else after that.

Theresa M. said...

I also went to UB! haha~ I would think it would be the Sabres microchip more than the Bills, but maybe that's just me. =)