Thursday, July 17, 2008

Assuming Your Goal Is Longevity

Thirteen Songs That Should Never Be Played At A Wedding
(at least if you're hoping to stay married for more than an hour)

1) Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac - First line of this song? "Loving you, isn't the right thing to do." Yeah. In fact, with the possible exception of You Make Loving Fun, it's probably a good idea to avoid the entire Rumours album when you're looking for wedding music.

2) Me And Mrs. Jones by Billy Paul - Paul damn near rips the listener's heart out on this track, but it's probably not a good idea to play a song about a man's clandestine affair with a married woman at a wedding. Just saying.

3) Poison by Bell Biv Devoe - Best line in this whole song? "Never trust a big butt and smile." OK, so basically you're telling the bride you 1) don't trust her and 2) that she has a big butt. Guys, if you want to play with fire - feel free. Just make sure the Little Mrs. doesn't have access to any guns.

4) You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette - Really people. This one is self-explanatory.

5) Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood - Groom beware. She loves you, but dip your pen in someone else's ink and personal property damage is in your immediate future. Although it's better than her destroying precious parts of your manly anatomy...

6) Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue - Ahhh, the Crue. The Boys Of Romance. This ode to strippers is probably not the best wedding material. Depending on who you're marrying of course.

7) Every Breath You Take by The Police - Nothing says I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you quite like crazy stalker music.

8) Use Me by Bill Withers - Love this track, but much like Billy Paul, should not be played anywhere near a wedding. "My friends feel it's their appointed duty. They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me."

9) Run For Your Life by The Beatles - John Lennon gets in touch with his inner, creepy misogynist. "Well I'd rather see you dead, little girl/ Than to be with another man." Honey if you haven't run yet, it's too late.

10) I Hate Myself For Loving You by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - The classic Boy Meets Girl, Keeps Treating Her Like Crap, Girl Keeps Coming Back For More story.

11) Love Her Madly by The Doors - One of the classic Boy Meets Girl, Girl Screws Over Boy songs. "Don't you love her as she's walkin out the door/Like she did one thousand times before."

12) Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent - Ahhh, Uncle Ted. He shares the Mr. Romance title with the Motley Crue boys. "I make the pussy purr with/ The stroke of my hand/ They know they gettin' it from me/ They know just where to go/ When they need their lovin man/ They know I do it for free." So not only is the groom a hound dog, he's probably got a whole pack of various diseases to pass on to his blushing bride. I always have the urge to take a hot shower, with bleach, after hearing this song....

13) I Need A Lover by John Cougar Mellencamp - "I need a lover that won't drive me crazy/Some girl that knows the meaning of/Hey hit the highway!" Truly, haven't we all wished for the same thing at some point in our lives (substituting girl for boy depending on your preference?) That being said, probably not a sentiment you want to express to your blushing bride or groom on your wedding day.

Hey, the weekend's almost here! Let's have some fun in the Bat Cave today. Feel free to add to the list in the comments.


Jay Montville said...

The one that's always cracked me up is You Were Meant For Me by Jewel. Sure, the chorus is nice ("you were meant for me/and I was meant for you"), but the song is about a girl who was dumped! Listen to all the lyrics, people!

P.S. I've been a long time reader and the blog!

Shannon Stacey said...

After the duty dances were done, our DJ announced it was time to get the party going and played "It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette (the break-up song in Pretty Woman).

It must have been love, but it's over now...

Heck of a song to kick off my wedding reception.

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Take a Bow by Madonna. Lovely song but really not a good one at a wedding.

Holly said...

I Will Survive by Gloria Gayner(sp?). I've heard this at several weddings and it always cracks me up to see the bride out there dancing and singing along and having a grand old time. Uh.hello!

Great list, Wendy. And oh so true.

Lil Sis said...

I have to add some rap here:

"I Get Around" by 2Pac. Seriously, the entire song is Pac talking about how he "gets around."

I could list a few from Biggie, Dre, and Snoop but why bother? :) Oh, and definitely NOTHING from Enimem. I mean he's usually killing his wife/ex-wife or his mother in his songs.

Amy said...

Just on general principle -- the Macarena or Electric Slide. But of course, at my own wedding we played each. Wonder if that had anything to do with the divorce...

Wendy said...

Jay: Welcome out of Lurkdom!

Shannon: That is wrong on so many levels. Even discounting the lyrics, why would the DJ think a slow song would get the party started?

Katie: You don't think the line "This masquerade is getting older" is romantic? LOL

Holly: Gloria Gaynor actually made my long list. But yeah, if I were the groom and saw my new bride dancing, singing and having a grand ol' time to that song? I'd be worried.

Lil' Sis: C'mon, I get props for the BBD reference. And I think TuPac was secretly a closet romantic ::snort:: Now I've got I Get Around stuck in my head....

Wendy said...

Amy: My older sister couldn't believe it when I told her the chicken dance didn't make the list.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I bet Hinder's Lips of an Angel could wind up in this category...

Sir-Ox-A-Lot said...

Ok...while there is no lyrical reason for this, I propose that the following songs be BANNED at weddings.

The Chicken Dance
Any song that creates a conga line.
The Electric Slide
Any song that make people dance as a group.

And finally... 99 Luft Balloons, because that song is just creepy.


Amie Stuart said...

LOL I love this list!

Why by Annie Lennox...I love me some Annie *g*

Megan Frampton said...

The song that KEPT BEING PLAYED AT OUR WEDDING was "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" by the Righteous Brothers. So that is our wedding song. Add it to the list.

My perhaps all-time favorite song is Use Me by Bill Withers, so I'm stoked you mentioned it, too.

Wendy said...

Is it wrong that I got a giddy thrill when I read that Megan Frampton approved of one of my song choices? Seriously, I feel like the cool kid noticed me.

(For those of you who don't know - our Megan used to write for a music industry trade magazine...although she doesn't tell us which one on her site bio ::pout::)

Ox: Any song that creates a conga line. I was going by lyrics, but I'm so with you on this one. You and Amy have both mentioned the Macarena, and I'm ashamed of myself for not including it just on the sheer annoying factor.

I'm a big proponent of eloping to Vegas and getting married by an Elvis impersonator. In the long run you'll save money (assuming you don't hit the casino floor) and you save yourself from being subjected to listening/dancing to poor song choices.

Still mystified by Roxette and The Righteous Brothers. Those boggle the mind....

Megan Frampton said...

Dude, are you kidding? I am so not cool. I am actually really flattered you said that.

Use Me is brilliant. And I used to be the EIC (editor-in-chief) of CMJ, a college radio music industry trade mag. There, it's out in the open. Before that I was EIC of Rockpool, another trade mag.

Not so cool after all,actually. But Bill Withers is amazing, an awesome, underrrated talent.

(We are hanging at National, right?I def. feel like YOU'RE the cool kid).

Holly said...

OMG! Poor Tracy. hahaha That's so wrong.

Tracy said...

ok I know this post is older but I just had to add the songs that my drunk dj played at my wedding (almost 15 years ago) which was "Breaking up is hard to do" and "lying eyes". Dude - NOT songs you want played at your wedding reception!!! lol