Monday, October 2, 2006

Open Letter To My Detroit Tigers

Dear Boys,
My hopes at the start of the long, ardous baseball season is that you would finally finish above .500 for the first time since 1993. I was one of the few people who actually was brain damaged enough to watch more than one game in the dreaded 2003, 119-loss, season. You were awful. I mean, truly bad. But I kept myself warm at night knowing that the team was made up of players that probably should have been in Triple-A Toledo and not with the big club in Detroit.

Slowly, but surely - you all got better. It also didn't hurt matters that Detroit finally got a general manager who knew his ass from a hole in the ground. Big time signings were made (Pudge), risks were taken (Magglio) and Carlos Guillen stayed healthy for a whole year. So miracle of miracles, you not only got to .500, you clinched a spot in the post season.

Then your last home stand happened. Now, there is no shame in losing 2 out of 3 to the Blue Jays. They're pitching has been sub par this year, and their middle infield blows chunks, but they can hit the crap out of the ball. But Kansas City? You get swept by Kansas-frickin'-Shitty and end up losing the division title to the Twins. Even worse, we lost ugly. I mean, really frickin' fugly. I was spinning a fantasy last night about Pudge taking the bat out of the hitter's hand, walking to the mound and beating Rodney to death. For once, Todd Jones didn't give me a heart attack (although I take shots of Mylanta every time he walks out to the mound) it was Rodney I wanted to beat within an inch of his life.

But it wasn't all his fault. Inge had a meltdown that resulted in a throwing error. Then we load the bases with one out only to come up empty handed. You got out-played by a team that lost 100 games this year.

Yeah, we wouldn't want the division and home field advantage. We wouldn't want to stay at home and play the Oakland A's. No, we want a challenge! We want to go on the road to New York and play the Skankies! In Skankie Stadium. Yeah, I know Randy Johnson is hurt. Yeah, I know Mariano is hurt (who knew my voodoo doll would work?), and maybe the boo birds will continue to harass A-Rod. But with that Murder's Row line-up? And Moose and Wang pitching like they are? The possibilities of embarrassing yourselves are just too high.

Yeah, I know I only dreamed of a .500 season. But you guys gave me hope. And like Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption:
"Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
Which is why I've started drinking now in preparation for tomorrow night's game.


Rosie said...

Wendy, got a chuckle out of this...

Dev said...

I'm not sure if I should be wishing I followed baseball right now, or if I'm glad I don't.

Liked your comments, though :-)

Tara Marie said...

No, we want a challenge! We want to go on the road to New York and play the Skankies! In Skankie Stadium.

Hey, watch that. I congratulated your Tigers, no name calling is necessary--LOL.

Kristie (J) said...

Well - I'm happy the Jays finished second, now I'll just watch you and Tara duke it out :) And Tara - sorry - but I grew up an hour away from Detroit and grew up cheering for them until the Jays entered the picture so I'm with Wendy on this series.

Tara Marie said...

Hey Kristie, root away. I have to say Yankee fans were quite happy to see Toronto in second place, we don't hate Toronto but we do hate the Redsox--LOL.

New Yorkers are hoping for a Subway Series. That's if both teams don't collapse.

David said...

Nothing's made me happier than to see the Yankees not meet the Twins in a 5-game series :)

Wendy said...

I know they're in my division, but I like the Twins. We'll see what happens, but I think it comes down between them and NY for the AL title. I'm just glad the White Sox imploded. Cripes, I hate that team.

The NL is a total crap shoot. Even given their pitching, the Mets very likely could get to the big show. Not that it matters much. If interleague play showed us anything this year it's that the NL is considerably weaker.....

Poohba said...

I'm a longtime lurker who has to come out of the woodwork for this one.

I love my Tigers. I'm thrilled they're in the postseason. I'm trying to forget that last homestand and think they played a respectable first game against the Skankies.

But is it too much to ask that the national media get their names right?

So far, I've heard references to "Norm" Robertson and "Jason" Verlander. That's right... they must be teammates of "Magnum" Ordonez, "Carlton" Granderson and "Bradley" Inge.