Won't Someone Please Think Of The Dogs?

I've decided I'm one cold-hearted bitch. But a little background first...

I cut my reading teeth on mysteries. There was a rough patch (around 6th grade) that found me working through some reading comprehension difficulties (amazing I know), but by 7th grade I was a reading machine. I loved me Nancy Drew (I actually read the "updated" Nancy Drew Files series that came out in the mid-late 1980s). Now I know a lot of you liked Sweet Valley High, but those books always made me want to puke. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't popular. The last thing I wanted to do was read about pretty, popular girls. Now Nancy was pretty. She was also popular. She also was dating that hunky Ned Nickerson. But she solved mysteries. She was really smart. Frankly she wasn't worried about whether or not Ned was going to ask her to the big dance.

I figured I had outgrown Nancy by the time I could read one of the books in a day - so I took to browsing the adult fiction collection at the library and read Marcia Muller, Mary Higgins Clark, Sue Grafton, and by high school I was reading my first Patricia Cornwell novel.

I'll read across the board in mystery. Cozies with little to no violence to gory serial killer books with blood practically dripping off the page. But I've discovered I'm more of the "freak" here than the "norm." Why? I don't get nightmares from books (movies, yes - books, no) and I'm apparently fine with a lot of violence.

I'm also fine when the author has the audacity to kill The Dog.

I love mystery readers. Truly. They're fine with numerous dead bodies, torture, maimings, and dismemberment - but the minute the author kills the dog/cat/canary/goldfish hell hath no fury like a reader scorned.

A friend of mine explained it to me like this. She reads for the "escape" and a dead dog isn't "escape." Um, but the dead human body is? I don't get it. Just don't. And if I wanted to read too much into it (which y'all know I do) I would say this is another example of the devaluation of human life. The human life is expendable. The dog's life is not.

Now honestly, I cannot be the only one here who smells something rotten in Denmark. And if you're a reader who likes the dead human but hates the dead dog - please explain it to me. I really would like to understand. Then again, I have known dogs that are loads nicer than most people, so maybe that's all there is to it.

Dead, My Ass

I love it that New York, editors, authors, readers, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy (take your pick) keep telling me the western romance is dead. It's not dead. It's being neglected. It's in hibernation. It's dormant - but it ain't dead. The themes, the atmosphere, the heartbreak that exemplifies the western romance will never completely go out of fashion. It's too powerful. It's too profound. It's a part of all of us - even you non-Americans reading this. It feeds into the best parts of human nature - resilience, grit, and hope.

I like books that challenge me emotionally. The kind of books that speak to me on a deeper level. Romance at it's best does this for me. Romance at it's worst makes me want to drink Drano - but that's another blog post entirely.

I literally could have read Maureen McKade's latest, A Reason to Live (laydown date September 5 folks) in one sitting if not for this pesky working for a living gig I have, and the fact that this book emotionally walloped me. Seriously, I needed to take the occasional little break but it kept calling me back. As is, I still read it in under 24 hours.

Laurel Covey is from Massachusetts, but married a man from Virginia. When the Civil War breaks out, she follows her husband - so she is disowned by her family. While Robert is fighting in the Army, Laurel is a nurse - then Robert dies in Gettysburg. Laurel transfers to a field hospital close to the front lines and witnesses the horrors of war. She also hears the final words of dying men, and after peace is declared, takes it upon herself to visit the families of these young men and deliver their final messages.

On the road she meets Creede Forrester, who just so happens to have come looking for her. A Texas cotton farmer, he traveled to Virginia only to learn his only son is dead. The doctor he meets with tells him about Laurel, and suggests she might know more about his son. She does. Austin came into the field hospital dead on arrival. There was nothing she could do.

Creede has now lost both his wife and son in tragic ways. He feels guilty, having been unable to keep them safe, and also mourns the last words he spoke to his son - words of anger and contempt. He is also haunted by his past - a terrible childhood tragedy and stint as a hired gun. Maybe it's his guilt that drives him, or his fascination with Laurel, but he tells her (in no uncertain terms) that he will accompany her on the rest of her mission.

This story is so good it's painful. It's the kind of book that rips your heart out, dances a jig on it, then puts it back together again. Laurel is haunted by her past and believes she is going crazy. She has night terrors. She has flashbacks where she can smell the blood, death and hear boys screaming for their lives. We, as modern readers, know she is not crazy. She has post-traumatic stress disorder. But she doesn't know that, and it gives her mission a frantic quality. She wants to deliver these messages before her sanity completely melts away.

Creede admires Laurel, and desperately wants to get close to her, but can't quite figure out how. She's a tough one to crack, and he too is a haunted man. News of his son's death has stripped the last of his new life away - he figures he might as well go back to being a hired gun. Then he meets Laurel and it all changes.

One of the many things I loved about this book is how McKade handles the aftermath of the War. She doesn't dumb down the Civil War, bless her heart. Yes, it was about more than slavery. She also doesn't have villains. She doesn't place blame. The North is just as guilty as the South. She also portrays freed-slaves in a manner I've never before seen in a romance novel. A people exhilarated by their freedom, but left adrift with no resources.

Also notable are those messages that Laurel is delivering. She meets people from all walks of life and not all of them are happy to see her. Some are grateful for the dying words she brings them, others are angry and bitter. Grief, while a universal emotion, is not dealt with in a universal manner. Even Laurel questions whether or not she is doing the right thing - but she made promises to those dying boys...

I guess if I had to name a quibble it would be I wanted a bit more on the death of Creede's wife. But really, that's a minor detail hardly worth a mention. What makes this story work is that it emotionally exhausts the reader in a good way. You bleed for Laurel. You admire her for what she tried to do and what she is doing. This isn't an easy book to read, in fact it's heartbreaking, but McKade rings out more emotion with this book than in 95% of the other romances I've slogged through this year. It's wonderful, it's tender, it gives me hope that someone out there had brains enough to see this fine book published. Even if it is a western and the western is apparently dead.

Final Grade = A.

The Devil Made Me Do It

Praise saints, I finally finished The Southern Devil by Diane Whiteside yesterday. I liked it a lot better than The Irish Devil (the only other Whiteside novel I've read), but it still ends up being just an average read. Let's hash it out together shall we?

Jessamyn Tyler Evans has a problem. She had to sell her family's Tennessee horse farm during the Civil War to pay for her father's medical care (he died of cancer). Now the new owners want to turn around and sell it, along with the fine horseflesh, to her odious cousin Charlie. Luckily for our girl the original terms of the sale stipulate that she has 6 months to make a counter offer and buy the place back. Not so lucky for our girl - she's a penniless Army widow.

The answer to her prayers comes when her Uncle dies. He left identical maps to both her and Charlie telling the location of a legendary stash of gold. But she needs to find a husband in order to attend the reading of that will. Enter our hero...

Morgan Evans is not terribly happy with Jessamyn. He was a Confederate spy during the war and Jessamyn thwarted a top secret mission he was on. He vowed revenge, then the girl married his upstanding, Union officer cousin, Cyrus. Cyrus is now dead, and Morgan is determined to get Jessamyn panting for him in bed (and out of bed - the guy is inventive). He thinks that the secret stash of gold is a bunch of hooey, but Jessamyn is desperate. So desperate to save the family farm before Yellow Fever season strikes Memphis that she tells Morgan she'll do anything if he helps her. Anything.

So what doesn't work? Well the biggest problem I had was Jessamyn's motives. The author spends a lot of time on back-story and in flashbacks to the War. Morgan shows up, tells Jessamyn's father his plans and is warned that Jessamyn has "Unionist sympathies." Why? Well we never find out. Frankly, I need a reason here. The girl is raised a lady on a Tennessee horse farm (yes, a slave state). Her father fights in the Confederate army. Their neighbors and friends all support the Rebel cause. I don't care if she was "allowed" to debate and discuss politics, I need a better reason than that. I just do. Call me wacky.

Also, the slavery issue is really glossed over. During the flashback, Morgan muses that he doesn't have a lot of experience with women because he left for the Wild West at such a young age. See, he was too young to learn the birds and bees in the slave quarters. Hey, I know this happened - but frankly I don't want my hero admitting it. Also, this Rebel spy sets all his slaves free when the war breaks out. Huh? And he muses that Jessamyn's father would be proud of him for that fact since he apparently doesn't own slaves on an extemely successful horse farm. Yet there are people of color on the farm. Does he pay them wages or what? Jessamyn also helped one of the servants spirit his daughter away on the Underground Railroad. Hey, I know there were southerners who didn't 1) own slaves or 2) believe in the practice. And I know the war was about more than slavery. But seriously, I just didn't buy the relationship that Jessamyn and her father had with the servant staff. It was just too PC - almost like they were one big, happy family.

Ultimately I think this book would have worked better with a larger page count. It sort of reminded me the romantic sagas that were popular 20 years ago. Also, I was curious about Jessamyn's first marriage (a happy one from what I can figure out), her husband's death (the cause of which we don't find out until the last 75 pages or so) and the multitude of secondary characters. Also it took me forever to figure out how this book fit into the Devil series. In the nutshell - Villain Charlie is the bad guy in The Irish Devil and Morgan works for William Donovan, the hero from The Irish Devil. Whiteside really should devote a page on her web site to explaining the series dynamic to folks.

So where does that leave us. I wanted more - which is a bit out of norm for me since I usually like my books lean and mean. Anything over 500 pages has a tendency to feel padded. That said, this book would have worked very well at that length (or longer). There was just too much unexplained for my liking. Oh, and the sex? Lots of Domination/submission stuff and pretty hot. But it wasn't enough to override my nit-picking.

Final Grade = C.

I Wanna Be A Cowgirl

Neither here nor there, this is The Older Sister's favorite picture of yours truly. I was 5 at the time and in some sort of play for my kindergarten class. Who the heck can remember the details now. This also might have been the last time I was truly cute. It kinda went all downhill from here. Doesn't it always though. But I do think this picture might explain the whole western fascination. I mean, I look cute in that straw hat. I still own the cowboy boots I wore as Bar Hopping Shoes in college. If that isn't scary I don't know what is.

I do have a point here - it's that my reading is in the gutter at the moment. I can't seem to get my butt in a chair and read. I've slowed way down and it's killing me. Why? I have two books waiting for me, and one of them I'm dying to read. But because I'm a good monkey, I started The Southern Devil by Diane Whiteside first thinking that one would be "highly anticipated" what with the hot sex and all. Seriously, I need to get through it this weekend (and write the review). And for you Nosy Nellies out there - it's OK, the sex is hot, but the character motivation (especially the heroine) has me flummoxed. Explaination forthcoming as soon as I finish it.

So what's on tap next. So glad you asked!

It's probably for the best if I don't mention how many Maureen McKade books are in my TBR. It's really frightening actually. I got this one for review, and oooh it sounds so good! Can't wait to start it.

Reason to Live by Maureen McKade - publication date September 2006

Description:

How could I refuse the wish of a dying man?

May 30, 1865: During the Civil War, I watched over too many young boys in the hospital, comforting them as they cried out for those they loved, as they whispered their final thoughts to me. Keeping a record of their names, families, and last words seemed a small tribute to their sacrifice--until the war ended, and I found a new mission in life. I would visit the loved ones of those poor soldiers and deliver their messages, so that some comfort could be found even in grief...

But Laurel Covey never expected to find a man like Creede Forrester--an ex-gunslinger who rode all the way from Texas to Virginia in the hope of finding his son, and ended up saving her from a band of ruffians. It pains her deeply to tell him of his boy's death, and she believes that in his heart, Creede blames himself for driving his son away. But there is something more to this rugged, weary man. Something that draws Laurel closer to him...something she cannot resist...

Wendy here again: Doesn't that sound fantastic? McKade explains a bit at her web site about her inspiration for this book, but not in as much detail as her electronic newsletter. She got the idea from an old Civil War-era photograph and a documentary she watched on Vietnam War nurses who suffer(ed) from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Then today I got a library copy of:

The Man She Thought She Knew by Shari Shattuck

Description:

He's her hottest accessory...

She may be super-rich and drop-dead gorgeous, but Los Angeles socialite Callaway Wilde can be as insecure as any girl about her man's love. Saying yes to a marriage proposal from sexy detective Evan Paley was a leap of faith for Cally, who has been pursued by many -- and almost killed on occasion -- for her money. When her fiancé disappears, Cally fears he's left her high and dry. Turns out she's right, but for the wrong reasons: he's been kidnapped.

Is he an accessory to a crime?

It started with a mysterious phone call that pulls Evan away from a little one-on-one time with Cally. Evan refuses to identify the caller -- a woman in distress -- which brings Cally down to earth fast. What secrets could he be keeping? Big ones, apparently: a dead body soon turns up in Evan's house, and Evan has vanished. On a heart-pounding race to find him, Cally follows a trail of clues to cold-blooded murder and deadly corruption -- and may uncover more than she bargained for about the man she thought she knew.

Wendy here again: I loved the first book in the series, Loaded. Loved it! But the second book? Lethal. Not so much. So not buying book 3 - reading a library copy. We'll go from there....

Just Tune This Out Non-Baseball Fans

It happened last night. The unthinkable. Yes, my Detroit Tigers clinched a winning season with their 81st win (and it was over the White Sox who I'm beginning to hate almost as much as the Skankees. Shocking, I know. I mean, who would have thought it was possible). Let us reflect for a moment. 119 loses in 2003 and no winning season since 1993 people.

My dream for this season was a winning one. Over .500. That's all this girl was asking for. Now it looks like we're making the playoffs (short of a serious implosion). But I fear for my boys. Truly I do. Because now there are expectations. People are actually voluntarily spending time in downtown Detroit to watch ballgames. I'm not sure how far we'll go in the playoffs, assuming we make it - but something tells me if it ain't a World Series win that "fans" will be throwing a fit.

Seriously, y'all are just greedy. At this point I'm willing to get a tattoo in honor of us winning the AL Central Division - not that I'd actually do it. Low tolerance for pain and all.

So what are my continued dreams for the end of the season? So glad you asked!

• The Yankees need to keep losing money. This is actually more of a long term goal, but I'm nothing if not blood-thirsty.

• The Yankees don't make the playoffs. This is more like a pipe dream now since Boston currently has their collective heads up their asses.

• Watch more Blue Jays highlights. This one is for KristieJ. At the start of the year The Boyfriend said, "Oh yeah, we'll be in 3rd place with a higher payroll!" Looks like he's right. But man, I'm loving your boy Gibbons more and more every day. Seriously, y'all have needed some fire on that team for a long time.
  

• Big Fat-Ass is not going to get the MVP. Besides the obvious fact that he plays half the game, his OPS just got back to .400 people. And in case anyone knowing Ortiz personally reads this - kidding! I'm kidding! (OK, the guy scares the hell out of me. I don't care if he's got a good smile - Scares. The. Hell. Out. Of. Me.)
  

• Give the MVP to Joe Mauer. Although I suspect he'll get robbed because that idiot Jeter is the sexier choice. Blah, blah, blah - he plays in NY. Who frickin' cares? Yeah, KristieJ I was pulling for your boy Vernon too - but he's fading down the stretch.

• My boy Verlander for Rookie Of The Year. Although I suspect he'll get robbed because that idiot Papelbon is the sexier choice. Blah, blah, blah - he plays in Boston. Who frickin' cares?
  

• The Tigers look respectable down the stretch and in the playoffs. I'll be fine if we lose - just as long as we don't lose ugly. And we have a tendency to lose real ugly.

Next blog post - back to normal, no baseball. Breathe easy you romance readers, breathe easy.

I Love This Woman

Melissa MacNeal. Seriously, I love this woman. Why? Well for starters - her brand of erotica falls into the Totally Campy, Trashy, Soap Opera category. She speaks to me on the same level as Thea Devine. Yeah, I know I probably shouldn't like her books, but they work for me the same way that Jackie Collins works for more mainstream readers.

Also, what other author on the planet writes campy erotica and inspirational romance?! Seriously, I love this woman.

She published a few novels for Black Lace, but the growth (Tee Hee) industry that is erotica means she's now with Kensington Aphrodisia. She has two books coming out later this year - the first of which sounds so deliciously filthy that I can hardly wait.

All Night Long by Melissa MacNeal. Look for it November 2006 kiddies!

Description: Welcome aboard the S.S. Aphrodite for an adults-only Caribbean cruise! Lola Wright discovers all the ins and outs of life on board after her fiancé jilts her and maxes out her plastic... and she must become the Greek captain's love slave to pay off her debts!

All Night Long features an international cast: Clive, the suave British concierge; Skorpio, the foxy Greek captain; Aric, a hot young cabana boy with an attitude--and Rio DeSilva, a Spanish security agent you're gonna melt for! With great guys like these, you'll be wanting it ALL NIGHT LONG!

Wendy here: Oh. My. God. does this sound campy! Can't wait!

The Harem by Celia May Hart, Emma Leigh, Melissa MacNeal & Noelle Mack. Look for it December 2006. Merry Christmas indeed!

Description of MacNeal's story: A Lady's Pleasure, tells how a rich young widow, Ophelia Leeds, inherits her husband’s Oregon lumber empire in the late 1800’s and discovers his ship, the Scheherazade, is actually a floating pleasure palace! Leave it to Ophelia to not only take over the lumber dynasty but to create a male harem of lumberjacks!

Wendy again: OK, I don't care if it sounds patently absurd, me want! Now I love the more "realistic" erotica if you will. The strong heroines. The plots that make some sense. But give me camp any day of the week and I'll follow you around like a lost puppy. Which really explains the whole Wendy likes Thea Devine thing quite well doesn't it?

Finally!

Hey, this is very cool - the Harlequin Historical authors now have a blog. Yippee and hooray!

In other news, I actually went to Borders this weekend and bought books. My last several trips to the "new" bookstores have left me empty-handed. I'm just not finding a lot of books I have the urge to buy new these days. I still have my select authors, but frankly I've just been feeling a little blah with romance publishing these days. That said, I did pick up:

• Wanted! by Pam Crooks - it's a Harlequin Historical western and I usually try to buy these new. Just doing my part to keep this line going and to keep me in westerns.

• Sex In Uniform - yes a Black Lace anthology all about people in uniform. Seriously I'm a sucker for naughty doctors, cops, maids, security guards - you name it.

• I Love You To Death by Amy Garvey - this one has been out forever and I just haven't gotten around to buying it until now. Really enjoyed Garvey's story in the Wicked Women Whodunit anthology and her novel, Murder in the Hamptons.

Side rant here: Can I get a separate erotica section in the bookstore please? Some of them are now shelved in romance (which I don't like) while others are buried in the Self-Help/Sexuality non-fiction section. I mean, I saw several copies of The Switch by Diane Whiteside sitting back there and it's where I finally found Sex In Uniform, which I've been looking for for months. This is why I tend to buy all my erotica online. It's just a hell of a lot easier, the selection is loads better, assholes haven't pawed through the books and creased the spines all the hell, and I don't have to strain my brain trying to figure out where the hell the store shelved it. Rant over.

And for your reading pleasure - another gum graft haiku:

Mouth like hamburger
Roof of mouth not healing fast
Good news, eating less

Haiku Commentary

An explaination on why I'm not partaking in the recent (endless) drama in the Romance Blogosphere. In Haiku form no less:

Sore and puffy gum,
Dental surgery sucks balls,
Drama makes head hurt.

FYI - I had a gum graft done. Bad news, it sucks. Good news, I can eat ice cream and not feel guilty.

There Went My Blood Pressure

Here at the office every morning is spent looking over a copy of Shelf Awareness that my boss forwards to me. It's a handy little e-newsletter mainly for booksellers - but we librarians glean some info from it as well. I'll admit - I tend to skim a lot so I had missed this joyful tidbit until our very cool children's fiction evaluator pointed it out to me.

Eyes on Austin, a non-profit, African-American community center in Austin, opened a small bookstore last Saturday, according to the Austin Weekly News. The store stocks a range of fiction, history and children's titles, but no African-American romance novels. "I want the community to read, but we have to be real picky on what we as a people read," project director James Hammonds told the paper.

OK this shit just pisses me off. Let me count the ways.

Yes, because your job as a narrow-minded bookseller (or librarian) is to force what you think is "valuable," "educational," and "enlightening" literature on to the masses. Basically you want to force-feed people not what they want to read, but what you think they should be reading. You don't want them to enjoy reading, you want them to start seeing it as a chore. Something they put on the same level as eating brussel sprouts, doing laundry and exercising. Shit - nobody likes to do any of that stuff, but we feel we have to. Reading should not be in the same camp!

Also, to add insult to injury, you just know these assholes are going to stock plenty of Walter Mosley and Octavia Butler (both genre fiction writers) - but they couldn't possibly soil their hands by throwing a Beverly Jenkins, Brenda Jackson or Adrianne Byrd novel on the shelf. And will Chassie West be safe? I mean, she writes mystery, but she's "mass market original" so maybe they think she has The Romance Stink on her (actually she does - she used to write for Harlequin). And what about the fast-growing street lit genre? You single out romance, that awful trash about finding love and acceptance, but is street lit safe? What with the pimps and the drug dealing? Is that OK, or not?

Oh this shit just pisses me off. Besides the fact that they are shutting out a healthy segment of the AA writing and reading community, they're slamming the genre as a whole. She-it, if they're worried about "education" check out Beverly Jenkins! That woman loves to put bibliographic notes in her novels on the research titles she used! They could probably sell more history books that way.

Granted, bookstores are a business and should concentrate on stocking what will sell for them. But how do these idiots know? I mean, right out of the gate they're saying "Sorry, no icky romance!" They could be alienating a huge segment of their service population! They don't have numbers yet. Frankly this stinks of bad business practices to me, but what do I know?

I have this same issue with librarians who feel the need to "educate" or "better" their communities. Hey, I do think a large portion of my job is to help people "better" themselves and their circumstances. Whether that is helping them find a book to study for the GED or learning about some medical condition they were just diagnosed with. However, it is also my job to give people what they want within reason (so child pornography is out of the question). If they want to read Danielle Steel (lord help them), it is not my job to berate them or tell them "Oh no, you can't read that trash - you must read Barbara Kingsolver." It is my job to show them where the Danielle Steel books are (right next to John Steinbeck). And if I don't have any Danielle Steel novels? It is my job to move heaven and earth to get them some. That's just the way it is folks.

So when someone makes a sweeping statement with no basis in facts, or because they're narrow-minded assholes, it just gets my dander up.

And that's your Librarian Soapbox ranting for today. I feel better already.

Bloody Hell

Tess Gerritsen is the one author on my Must List. Every reader has one. The Must List states:

• You must buy their new book on the laydown date.
• You must try not to get pulled over for speeding on your way home.
• You must drop everything and start reading said book the moment you close your front door.
  

The new book, The Mephisto Clublands on September 12 people. This is great news right?

WRONG!

The Parents are visiting September 9-17!!! ARGHHHH!!!!

Now, I love my parents. Adore them in fact. And since my mother hates to fly (she really does), I figure the least I can do while they visit me some 3000 miles away from home is to not drag them into bookstores and read in their presence. After all, I only see them a couple times a year.

What's a girl to do? I guess I could order it online, but then I'd have to wait for the dang mailman to show up. That's no good. Maybe I can sneak off to Borders, run in real quick and buy it. Or better yet, manufacture a Costco run. I'm sure they'll be carrying it. That way I can pet The Mephisto Club and stare longingly at it until the parental units head home on the 16th.

Seriously, do you think petting books is a sign of mental illness? Attachment issues? The result of some traumatic moment in my childhood?

Nah, it just means I'm a dork. But you all suspected as much didn't you?

Marginally Better

I just wrapped up Enchanted: Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women by Nancy Madore. Yet another Harlequin Spice novel. This is the third one I've read and so far they've ranked in at "Readable But Erotic-Lite" (Tease by Suzanne Forster), "Dreadful And Horrifying Beyond Words" (The Blonde Geisha by Jina Bacarr) and "Wildly Uneven But Finally Some Kink!" (Enchanted).

The main issue with Enchanted is that the stories are written like fairy tales. That means all tell and no show. The reader is completely detached from any of the "characters" and in fact there is no character development to speak of in the entire anthology. Personally, for erotica to work (for me at least) the author has to give some marginal character development. Sure the sex is great - but if the "characters" are faceless entities it just becomes Insert Tab A Into Slot B territory and what's erotic about that?

That said, I admire the academic slant Madore took with this anthology. She provides some commentary that appealed to the feminist in me. She states in the foreword:

"When a popular female icon starves herself, alters herself, misrepresents herself, sells herself, exploits herself etc., she is contributing to the overall standards that influence how women are viewed by men and how they view themselves."

I swear the college girl in me got a giddy thrill reading that.

That said, I was pretty bored with the first several stories. Not terribly erotic, nothing pushing any boundaries, and given the lack of character development I was bored. Then we get to the Goldilocks story and BOY HOWDY! Finally a Harlequin Spice offering with a little kink. Nothing terribly icky here if you're erotica fan - but it's a welcome breath of fresh air after slogging through the boring stuff.

Since my profession is books - and I love reader's advisory - I will now for your reading pleasure list the stories that have The Kink. Naturally this is subjective territory, so I'll try to elaborate without making this an X-rated blog post:

"Goldilocks And The Three Barons" - Goldilocks is too nosy for her own good and the result is a great time with three guys. Ahem - and not one at a time either.

"Mrs. Fox" - Mrs. Fox and Mrs. Wolfe decide to do a little husband swapping. No further explanation necessary me thinks.

"Snow White In The Woods" - The Seven Dwarfs are all really handsome princes placed under a spell and that lucky Snow White has a whole lot of fun with them. All of them.

"The Empress' New Clothes" - The Empress is an exhibitionist who takes to parading around naked so her husband indulges her in voyeuristic delights.

"The Goose Girl" - A princess and her maid discover they can have fun together and with the handsome prince. Ahem, all at the same time.

"The Sheep In Wolves' Clothing" - A wife decides it's time for a little role playing with hubby.

The other seven stories just aren't worth mentioning in my humble opinion. Enchanted is the kind of book you might keep on your bedside table in case you were desperate for inspiration. It's nothing particularly mind-altering - and truly, there's a lot better inspirational fare out there (She-it, anything by Emma Holly for example). Sure the naughty bits are nice, but character development is sexy too.

Final Grade = C

The Grand Daddy Of All Bad Words

This has likely been covered in the Romance-Novel-Related Blogosphere already, but I was smacked in the face with it over the weekend when I was reading a cozy mystery of all things.

The word "hungrily" has got to go.

You know, "His mouth covered hers hungrily in a passionate kiss." Yada, yada, yada.

It. Has. Got. To. Go.

Why? Well frankly it just sounds stupid. It sounds like the guy (or the girl) is devouring their kissing partner's face. Like they're a recovering anorexic and they've just rediscovered chocolate cake. Like that rugby team that crash landed in the Andes and took to chowing down on femurs.

It's just an icky word to describe a kiss. I'm sorry, it just is. And if my title of Queen Librarian Of The Universe actually held any power (well in my own mind it does!) I would banish the use of "hungrily" to describe anything remotely sexual ever again.

And since I'm not the only one with irrational pet peeves - let us open the forum. What word(s) would you banish from the writer's thesaurus forever?

Running Behind The Pack

I finished by 65th read this morning. That's 7 books less than I had finished this time last year. Now, 2005 was my personal best year ever - but still I'm a little depressed. That's what happens when you get stuck reviewing crap and your job sucks the life out of you. Now I have a new job, and while my mystery reading has been good - I wish I could find a truly wonderful romance novel to read. Speaking of....

Could the romance genre please take note? I just wrapped up Too Darn Hot by Sandra Scoppettone. A mystery set in 1940s New York City. Why can't I get romances with these sort of settings? Oh yeah, they apparantly don't sell.

Anyway, Too Darn Hot is the second book featuring Faye Quick - a Gal Friday who finds herself becoming a private detective after her boss goes off to war. He wants a business to come home to, and he asks Faye to man the fort. This time out she's busy with too many clients thanks to the press she got for solving the murder in book 1, This Dame For Hire. She's all set to turn Claire Turner away, but then she hears her sob story. She's so in love and her soldier boyfriend Charlie has disappeared while in the city on leave. Please find him Faye.

Instead she finds a dead body in Charlie's hotel room. Who is the unfortunate corpse, and where oh where is Chuckles?

I thought the first book had it's charms, but have to say I really enjoyed this second story more. It's got a crime noir feel to it (seriously, I expected Bogart to walk down the street), and there are a lot of twists and turns. Ever time the reader thinks they have all the facts, the author makes a sharp left turn and throws in another angle. It makes an engaging read and the mystery really hums along.

Really though it's the setting and Faye that keep me coming back. The author invokes the time period without beating the reader over the head with it. Faye's out of nylons, sugar is being rationed, the owner of her favorite diner hasn't been the same since his brother was killed in Europe and everybody smokes because nobody knows about lung cancer.

It's really a lot of fun and a new series I recommend checking out. Next up - another mystery, Murder of a Real Bad Boy by Denise Swanson.

Going Blind Just For You

First, be sure to check out Michelle Styles' comments to Monday's post about the Harlequin Historical discontinuation rumors. The very good news is that we can stop panicking for now!

I have been buried here at work. I'm finally through my backlog of review journals, so I put myself to work clearing out publisher catalogs today. I adore these catalogs, but frankly they are low man on the totem pole when it comes to priorities. The problem with this is that when I finally get to them I start to go blind after a while. I still have 3 to go, but I have to quit now before my brain melts.

But I did find lots of goodies, and two particular titles of interest. OK, titles of interest to me and no, they are not romance. Not even close. Let's do the fiction first shall we?

The Blackest Bird by Joel Rose - slated for publication March 2007. Nothing like jumping the gun I always say.

Description: In the sweltering New York City summer of 1841, Mary Rogers, a popular counter girl at a tobacco shop in Manhattan, is found brutally ravaged in the shallows of the Hudson River. John Colt, scion of the firearm fortune, beats his publisher to death with a hatchet. And young Irish gang leader Tommy Coleman is accused of killing his daughter, his wife, and his wife’s former lover. Charged with solving it all is High Constable Jacob Hays, the city’s first detective. At the end of a long and distinguished career, Hays’s investigation will ultimately span a decade, involving gang wars, grave robbers, and clues hidden in poems by the hopeless romantic and minstrel of the night: Edgar Allan Poe.

And now the non-fiction:

Murder City: The Bloody History of Chicago in the Twenties by Michael Lesy - slated for publication February 2007

Description: “Things began as they usually did: Someone shot someone else.” So begins a chapter of Michael Lesy’s disturbingly satisfying account of Chicago in the 1920s, the epicenter of murder in America. A city where daily newspapers fell over each other to cover the latest mayhem. A city where professionals and amateurs alike snuffed one another out, and often for the most banal of reasons, such as wanting a Packard twin-six. Men killing men, men killing women, women killing men—crimes of loot and love. Just as Lesy’s first book, Wisconsin Death Trip, subverted the accepted notion of the Gay Nineties, so Murder City gives us the dark side of the Jazz Age. Lesy’s sharp, fearless storytelling makes a compelling case that this collection of criminals may be the progenitors of our modern age.

Oh and in case you pay attention to publishers - these are both coming out from Norton.

This Is Why

If you go digging through AAR's recent posts about the RWA conference you'll find this tidbit:

"And now...two rumors, heard from two different authors, neither of whom write for the effected lines: Bombshell is being "re-evaluated" and is in danger of being cancelled - apparently because too many readers do not realize that it is series fiction and not series romance and therefore does not require an HEA - and Harlequin Historicals may once again be terminated."

Granted, these are just rumors - but given how closely HH came to being axed just last year it is time for panic. Well at least on my part.

HH is the only publisher I still consistently buy books new from. Why? Because they seem to be the only imprint left that gives me readable westerns every month. Or sure, Dorchester publishes a few gems every now and then - but I've never rated an HH western anywhere below a C-. No joke.

I know a lot of you don't like westerns - so why should you care about whether or not HH gets the ax? Here's why:

The Gladiator's Honor by Michelle Styles is set for it's North American release next month. Its setting? Ancient Rome. Ancient Effing Rome!

Now obviously we do not know if this book is readable or not. It could be the most gawd-awful thing ever published. It could also be the greatest romance novel ever written. This is all incidental. It's set in Ancient Effing Rome!

Go ahead - name me another mainstream publisher that would take a chance on a book set in Ancient Effing Rome! Can't can you? (Ok, maybe Dorchester. Maybe...)

We cannot allow HH to vanish. We simply can't. While it's just an awful, horrible rumor at the moment - the minute we get a smidge of confirmation something must be done. A letter writing campaign, angry phones calls, rotten tomatoes pelted at HQ headquarters - something! Frankly it's the only imprint left in town that publishes more than just English-set historicals every blessed month. And that, contrary to some opinions, is a very good thing. Truly, it is.

Where's My Gun?

OK, now this is a bad book. Colossally bad. As in, I lost brain cells and might never recover bad. Seriously, it makes me want to go back and reread Her One And Only (see below) because even with it's faults it reads like a damn Pulitzer Prize winner in comparison.

The Blonde Geisha by Jina Bacarr is a debut novel. This makes me feel a little bad since I'm going to roast it over the coals - but truly it is that horrifying. Seriously. I would not lie to you. Here it goes:

It's 1892 Japan and the heroine's father is an American banker investing in the railroads. Problem is he has pissed off the wrong man. Namely the Prince. Oopsie. He plans to toss his daughter in a nunnery and take off - but his plans are thwarted and instead he leaves daughter dearest at a teahouse run by his mistress geisha. This is dandy for the heroine since she fantasizes about being a beautiful geisha and falling in lurve.

Barf.

Three years later Daddy is gone with nary a word. Heroine is a maiko (an apprentice geisha) and is so frustrated. I mean, who knew the geisha have so many rules and old-fashioned traditions! And she wants some lovin' like yesterday people! So she whines a lot. And giggles a lot. And basically acts like a 13-year-old.

Gag.

Anyway she attracts the attention of The Bad Guy who wants to deflower her then kill her. But then the hero appears - a handsome American sent to rescue her. But she won't go away with him when she has the chance because 1) she's an idiot and 2) she wants to become a geisha, it's like her dream!

OK, like that isn't bad enough - the writing is worse. Remember the dialogue from the old Speed Racer cartoons? This is well below that. And the purple prose? Oh. My. God. Here is a sampling: moon grotto, Buddha-seed, jade stalk, mushroom (yeah, mushroom), golden peach and flower heart. Oh and you can't just read the word penis. It's always "honorable penis."

Please shoot me now and put me out of my misery.

Still not ready to stop reading about the horror? The ending features a fire, a switcheroo and the hero and villain fighting while speaking horrible dialogue like "You will die, but not in glory! Disgrace will be your shroud." Oh and the minor detail that we never find out if the heroine's father is alive or dead.

I'm having a hard time even thinking about starting another book after this one. Luckily the next read on tap is a mystery. God I hope it cleanses the pallet. It's either that or bleach. Final Grade: A big, fat F.

Because I'm Always Right

Can't you see it? This is a big land. It needs big dreams, not meddlesome busybodies trying to bind us all to drab little lives. Breath deeply, Emma, spread your wings. On the frontier you'll learn to fly."

Frankly any author who can write that does not deserve an F. I'm not going to name names here, but the F rated review I read on another romance review site for Alice Valdal's Her One And Only was harsh. Having slogged through the latest westerns by Bobbi Smith and Nan Ryan earlier this year I can say with certainty that this second novel reads like a dream in comparison. That is until her characters have sex. More on that in a bit.

Emma Douglas was once a lady living a comfortable life in San Francisco. Then her banker father is accused of embezzling and when he is found shot dead it is ruled a suicide. Gossiping tongues start wagging, and Emma is having doors slam in her face. Only wanting to start over and flee the gossip, she takes a job as the schoolmarm in tiny Prospect, British Columbia. At first she resents these new circumstances, but eventually warms to the frontier, independent lifestyle. She even becomes friends with her prickly landlady! Too bad she can't shake the insufferable Grey North.

Grey runs the only respectable hotel in town, and even though he has vowed never to marry he still has marriage-minded females dogging his heels. So he proposes a fake courtship to Emma saving them both from unwanted attention from the opposite sex. Her reception to this plan is chilly at best, but Grey is nothing but charming and determined. Then Emma's past comes calling necessitating them to travel back to San Francisco.

So we're moving along pretty good here. The story is pleasant. Neither great nor awful. Emma is prickly at first, but she shows growth over the course of the story. Grey is a bit of an enigma but he's charming. La de da. We're going along just fine.

Then the sex happens. It totally ruins everything! First they do it while Grey is half out of his mind with delirium. Talk about an over the top cliche! Then when he comes to and realizes that his who-who fell into her cha-cha he morphs into a raging asshole accusing Emma of trying to trap him into marriage! Never mind that he's been preaching to her the whole damn book that she should throw aside tiresome societal rules. When she throws away The Big Rule, it's Grey who freaks out! Oh and did I mention that Emma doesn't want to marry this Neanderthal but he orders her in no uncertain terms that they will marry because she no longer has a hymen? Like I said, so much for thumbing your nose at society.

Emma's response to this behavior is to run away. Normally this would be too-stupid-to-live behavior in my book, but frankly the poor girl had no choice. Any more time wasted in Grey's insufferable company and she would have to shoot him - then she'd be arrested and she'd never learn the truth about her father's death. Plus by this point she's really gotten a taste for the frontier life and gives it back to this jackass with both barrels. Bless her heart.

Of course Grey continues to be a moron until his mother (a wonderful character!) tells him what an asshole he is and he scurries off to find Emma, grovel and propose on bended knee. But not before Emma tells him again what an asshole he is. Bless her heart.

So what started out as a very strong C+/B- read ends up morphing into a C-. Oh well. There's enough promise here that I'll read Valdal's next novel. And I'll say it again - nowhere near an F and the scathing review is just plain wacky. But what do I know?