Maybe I Need A Rest

I wrapped up Good Girls Don't by Kelley St. John this morning, and I'm sorry to report it didn't improve for me.

I can't believe I'm going to type this, and I'll probably deny this later on - but I found all the focus on sex really boring after a while. I know, I do read some pretty trashy erotica - so that statement escaping my lips doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense.

I think it's because the author was supposed to be selling me a romance. In fact, she was supposed to be selling me three of them. Instead, all the characters seemed to talk about or do was sex related. No real emotional connections. No meaningful conversations. No "getting to know you outside of boinking our brains out" moments.

The worst of it was St. John teases the reader with hints of something deeper. Almost all the characters have some past baggage that is mentioned briefly, but never explored. I wanted more dagnabit.

Even more shocking - I actually agreed with an RT review for once. They gave this baby 2 stars in their December issue.

Next up is Predator by Patricia Cornwell - the latest in her Kay Scarpetta series. I'm wondering if I should start whining now? I've been underwhelmed by the last few books in this series, and in particular am pretty pissed off with what she has done to the Pete Marino character. Once a cantakerous bad ass, he's been reduced to puppy-love adoration of Scarpetta. Bleck. Why can't this poor guy get a woman? I think he needs to hook up with a white trash honey who thinks Twinkies are a delicacy and watching pro wrestling is foreplay.

But that's just my opinion. At least she's gotten the Marino character healthy by having him lose weight in the last book. For a while there he was one step away from a heart attack.

Too Much Of Everything

So I'm reading a debut novel right now, Good Girls Don't by Kelley St. John. As a general rule, I like reading debuts. I've had a lot of success with them, as I've read very few outright duds. I think because most authors spend a lot of time on the debut. Reworking it, rewriting it, and fine tuning it for submission. So by the time it gets published it's fairly well polished.

I'm trying to jog my memory here, but I don't think I've ever read a debut that would rate below an average grade on my scale.

So far, Good Girls Don't is hanging out in Average Land. I'm about halfway through it, and I'm trying to clarify my thoughts on why I'm not enamored with it thus far. Here it goes:

The heroine lies for a living. She works for a company called My Alibi, which helps it's clients (many of them cheaters) keep up the lie they told to whomever. As a favor to her sister, the heroine takes on a new client who wants to hide the fact that she's away for a romantic weekend with a guy who might be The One. She doesn't want her overprotective uncle/guardian to find out.

Turns out the uncle/guardian is an old friend of the heroine's. An old friend who has had the major hots for her for years. And now, she's reconnected with him by lying. Uh oh.

I have this issue with lying characters. They bother me. Possibly because it reflects badly on their moral fiber and I just don't "like" them very much. Or maybe because half the time they have no good reason for lying in the first place. That's just me though.

But the heroine seems torn and conflicted, so the lying isn't even that big an issue. No, it's the suspension of disbelief the reader must buy into for this plot to make any sort of sense. Here's a running list of the kitschy-cutesy-over-the-top stuff that's going on:

• Heroine lies for a living
• Heroine's sister designs sex toys for a living
• Heroine's biggest problem at start of novel is a boyfriend who can't find her G spot
• Hero's niece thinks "The One" is a biker dude named Butch
• Lots and lots of sex talk. Not a whole lot of meaningful conversation going on
• Hero giving heroine orgasm while driving 80mph down an Atlanta freeway

Add it all together in the same plot and my head begins to swim. One of these things is fine - I can go with it. Even 2 or 3. But all of them? Isn't it just a bit much? And I'm only about halfway through, so I'm sure there will be more.

In the meantime, I'll keep on reading. It's a review book folks....

Cue Twilight Zone Theme

Saturdays at the library are always a bit of a crap shoot. You never know what is going to walk in through the front door.

I just had the most disturbing conversation with a patron and all I could think about was, "How am I going to call the cops without setting this woman off?"

It started out simply enough. Her wallet had been stolen and her library card was inside. I told I could give her a replacement card for X amount of money, but since she was obviously homeless that wasn't a good option. That's when I said, "I could just mark your card lost that way no one can use it."

Well that was no good for her because if she gave me her name that would bring the solicitors calling. Then she said that "Burt" was trying to get inside her head and he stole her bag that also had a license plate in it. She also kindly informed me that our computers with "this sticker on the side" (the serial number) were very harmful and were damaging her teeth. Also, could I please turn down the microphones? They were really loud.

Ohhhhhh-kay

Now I deal with all walks of life day in and day out on this job, but this woman seriously creeped me out. I never know what to do with people like this, so I usually smile, nod and talk in a reassuring voice. Sometimes that sets them off. Luckily, this was not one of those times and the woman left the building shortly thereafter.

I had never seen her around here before. I hope to not see her again. Is that wrong of me?

Happy Shiny Library Story

I tend to bitch a lot about my job and this is normally where I would dig up a happy library story to share with you all. Unfortunately, I don't have one. So I'm going to tell you about something that happened to another librarian I know.

This group of sweet little kids came into her library recently. They had had a lemonade stand and wanted to donate what they earned to the library: $38 and some change.

Now their parents probably put them up to it - but repeat after me

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Isn't that just about the sweetest thing you've ever heard of?

This librarian then proceeded to take their pictures and wrote up an article for the local newspaper. I hope they print. Of course it will probably be on page 18 buried under the local police report, but still......

Bring On The SS

Yesterday I had a library patron, who was naturally upset about my rigid Internet policy, compare me to a Nazi and a Communist.

My mother will be so proud. So will all those Jewish guys I dated in college. Gee, ya think that's why our relationships didn't work out?

I'm not an unreasonable person. I just think that people should use their own library cards. Not their neighbors, boyfriends, sisters, brothers, former college roommates. Seriously, is this too much to ask? I'm really curious what you non-library-working types think. And is it too unreasonable of library staff to boot someone off the computer when we discover they aren't using their own card?

I need to find my Happy Place - because honestly this crap isn't worth me getting upset over.

My latest column is up over at Romancing The Blog. Go forth! Leave comments!

In reading news, I'm almost blissfully finished with Goodness Had Nothing To Do With It by Lucy Monroe. How can I describe this book? Think Harlequin Presents with about 250 more pages attached to it. This one not only has an Alpha hero scarred by his illegitimate birth, but a once virginal heroine who sold his company secrets (hey, her younger sister needed experimental medical treatment for a rare blood disorder) and had his baby. And of course the baby is a secret baby! So he's pissed because she sold out his company and left town without a word. She's pissed because she loves him and all he ever wanted from her was s-e-x with no commitments. And golly, she can't tell him about his baby because then he'll try to take little Aaron away from her! Never mind that she was never prosecuted for her crime. Seriously the courts don't rip babies out of their mother's arms without having good reasons and our heroine is certainly not a crack-addicted prostitute knocking over liquor stores. No, she just can't open her mouth and actually communicate with the hero. In her defense, he can't talk to her either. Actually these two couldn't talk their way out of a paper bag.

The writing is good though. The plot and characters make me want to ram my head against a wall - but it's only taken me 2 days to finish it. I'm not sure what that says about me, but I think it does say that Monroe can write. She's just written a book that's driving me criminally insane.

I'm obviously having a bad week. Maybe it's time to consider Prozac...

3 Martini Lunch

Some days I wish I owned a gun, because if I did I would take all my public Internet computers out in the parking lot and shoot them dead. Seriously.

People scream and yell at me at my job for two reasons:

• Overdue fines they feel they shouldn't have to pay
• My rigid Internet policy

I had an older woman ream out my children's librarian on Saturday because we caught her (once again) using a family member's library card to get on the computers. OK, I don't think I'm being wacky here. Honestly, what is so hard to understand about "You must have and use your own library card." This is a repeat offender. I've talked to her about this before and in fact put a stop on the offending card. She proceeded to mutter unpleasant remarks about me under her breath. However, another library reinstated the card, so now I'm back to square one. She's supposed to come in a talk to me this week. I can hardly wait. In the meantime, I've fired off an e-mail to the new manager at that other library.

Today, one of my regulars complained because the computer wasn't working to his satisfaction. He left in a huff when I couldn't fix it right that second and ordered me to do something about it. What I wanted to say was, "Sir, these are public computers. They do not have the latest bells and whistles. It's bare bones only. If you don't like it maybe you should get your own computer at home."

Instead I said, "I'll work on it."

Don't get me started on the autistic guy who talks like Rain Man and has a crush on me, or the older woman who came in today and sang to herself the entire time.

I take that back, I don't want a gun. I want a drink. A stiff drink. Something that burns my throat for about 30 minutes after I knock it back. No. Wait a minute. I want both.

How To Make A Librarian Happy

Almost two years ago I took my current job and knew that my first order of business was library furnishings. The upholstry on the chairs was non-existent and in many instances shredded to the point of embarrassment. It looked like a small army of cats (I'd guess about 1000 strong) had been sharpening their claws for the last 5 years. Stuffing was falling out, and in many cases bare wood exposed.

I was able to fix the immediate problem by scrounging up surplus chairs at library headquarters. Some of them weren't high end, but they were light years ahead of what I had.

However, that only went so far. I was going to have to find a money tree and get some of them reupholstered.

It took over a year, but I finally found that money tree. Between my Friends Of The Library organization (beautiful people) and donations from the public I was able to get 10 chairs recovered. I'm so happy I could just about weep tears of joy. Not only for having "new" chairs, but also for the freedom that I now have. For the first time since taking this job, I don't have to think about furniture for a while. That albatross has passed for now.