Helping Your Local Library

I'm about to say something truly shocking - so be prepared.

Books can be thrown away. They fit beautifully in most trash cans and in any dumpster.

Really.

Today's gift from the library gods was 3 boxes full of donated books. All of them Chilton auto repair manuals that looked 25 years old and appeared to have been sitting in someone's garage all that time.

I'm talking filthy, black pages. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Hazardous waste material.

You know what I did? Put them on a cart, wheeled them out to the dumpster and tossed them.

Then washed my hands a la Lady MacBeth.

I really need to get a digital camera so I can share this sort of stuff with the general Blog World. My words really do not do justice to some of the stuff that people try to donate to us. And the sad thing is - I can't turn them away. It really is admirable that they want to help the library, and it's my job to encourage that. But honestly people - use a little common sense, OK?

In other news, I got an e-mail this morning from my older sister who was bored at work. She told me that Mom said my blog has been "funny" lately.

See, my Mom thinks I'm cool!

RTB #5 and Oy Vey!

For your consideration, my latest column over at Romancing The Blog.

Ever been really happy to finish a book? I mean, just glad that the pain and horror was finally over? Well I'm experiencing that relief this morning. I'm done with Return To Me by Shannon McKenna!

This book brought my recent trend of tearing through books to a screeching halt. And I feel a bit like a bitch, since I normally adore McKenna's work. Short stories, novels - whatever. I still attest that she's the best dang writer that Brava's got (my meager little opinion only of course).

But man, what a misstep this story is. I mean, it's just not good. Even with some brief flashes of brilliance (more of Cora and Ellen's mother please!) it can't salvage the gawd-awful romance.

Let me elaborate.

Bad boy hero returns to tiny town that shunned him after his uncle commits suicide. But hero doesn't think it's suicide. Despite uncle being a raging alcoholic asshole, he just wouldn't blow his brains out. Enter heroine - the sickeningly sweet girl he left behind. She's loved him all her life see. Sure she's engaged to the most eligible bachelor in town (naturally an asshole), but dang if her panties don't go gooey thinking about the hero - the guy who deflowered her as a teen.

So what's wrong here, besides the obvious? The hero whines about how he's "no good" for the heroine. Disaster follows him and he will surely ruin her life. The heroine pines away and romanticizes over the boy - but frankly doesn't know dick about the man except that he's so dang hot!

It was like entering an alternate universe and discovering I was back in high school. And no, that's not a good thing.

Then there are the prejudicial townspeople.

Question. If everyone in town is small-minded and hates you, why come back? Why bother? For that matter - why stay? Why not move somewhere else?

That's me talking crazy again though.

My final grade? D+. McKenna has done much, much, much, much better work. This one is a huge disappointment.

The Column That Wasn't

It dawned on me this morning that I'm one month away from my 30th birthday. The jury is still out on whether or not I'm OK with that. Right now, I'm OK with it. Of course one case of raging PMS could turn me into a crying mess - "Why, why, why?! What do I have to show for my life?!" That kind of rubbish.

In library news, I'm knee deep in weeding our very sad, very embarrassing reference collection. This morning I chucked my entire collection of Who's Who In America (because I hate those damn books) and a Thomas Register set from 2000. To any librarians reading this - yes, my reference collection really is that sad.

Maili mentioned in a previous comment that she'd like to see my aborted RTB column on children in romance. Always eager to please - here it is:

No One Under 12 Admitted

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.” – W.C. Fields

Ever look – I mean really look – at couples with small children? At single moms and/or dads with small children? They look like hell, don’t they? Tired, exhausted, working full time – its sort of like Night Of The Living Dead except these poor adults aren’t technically zombies.

So why oh why do romance authors insist on putting small children in romances? Children are not romantic. Sure they’re cute. Sure they’re sweet. But nothing saps the romance out of a situation quicker than a child with a poopy diaper.

Worse still, there are many writers writing child characters who have no business doing so. Has this ever happened to you? You’re reading a book, and everything is going fine. Then little Timmy, age 3, shows up and starts speaking sugary dialogue like:

“I seepy Mommy.”

“Mommy, I no feel good.”

“I wuv you.”

Do kids talk like this in real life? Maybe. Do children often suffer from lisps? Sure. Do I want to read this claptrap in a romance novel? Heck no!

Infants and toddlers are just learning. They haven’t quite figured out the concept of conjugating verbs, adverbs or adjectives. They are also, by their very nature, cute as the dickens (otherwise they’re on shows like Nanny 911). You can’t write them any other way, and some authors have a tendency to go overboard.

Here’s a reminder – romance readers tend to read books for the romance. We do not read romance novels for toddlers who talk like Elmer Fudd.

That isn’t to say that all child characters in Romance Novel Land are inherently awful. Ones of a certain age can actually add dimension and conflict to a story. Thinking back on all the books I’ve read that feature interesting younger characters a pattern begins to emerge. They’re all over the age of 12. Every single one of them. They talk like adults (for the most part) and are going through various angst and struggles that we can all relate to, because after all – we were once in their shoes.

So my advice to romance authors is if you can’t write kids – don’t try. Sure these tykes are cute in real life, but slapping them with cloying dialogue has a way of inducing severe eye rolling in readers. The fact remains, that child characters are a potential minefield. If you can’t write them convincingly, don’t write them at all.

Yoda I Am

You scored as Yoda.
Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

And Yoda so kicks ass! I currently have a Yoda desk top and I always keep my miniture Yoda figurine next to my computer. He stands watch and protects it from the "Dark Side."

I know - lame-o blog entry. I promise, the next one will be better. Better being a relative term of course.....

Job Ad, Diet Update And Amazon Order

Looks like The Romance Reader is looking for reviewers - specifially Chick Lit reviewers. Although if I know the editor, she probably wouldn't mind more reviewers period - regardless of the subgenre. If you're interested, check out the FAQ page.

As reported in a previous blog entry, I'm dieting. I have purposely not stepped on a scale since I started this grand experiment for fear of getting discouraged. But, there have been some results. It's amazing what happens when one just cuts out fast food. The Boyfriend, bless his heart, told me this weekend that my "love handles" were smaller.

OK, so that's not terribly romantic - but dang, I'm so happy!

Now if I could just get myself on a regular exercise schedule all would be right with the world.

I bit the bullet and placed in order with Amazon yesterday. Here's what I ordered:


I loved the first book in this series - Loaded - mainly because it had a bit of an edge to it. Sort of like a crime noir novel told from a women's perspective.









Kandel debuted last year with I Dreamed I Married Perry Mason - a book I read stictly for the title. It was one of my notable reads of 2004. Sort of a mix between cozy mystery and crime noir. This time, the author turns her eye from Erle Stanley Gardner to Nancy Drew.







I love Levine's Jaine Austen series, mainly because they are fun, quick reads. She's also the only mystery author I know who can write a "shorter" book (250 pages) and not skimp on character development, mystery, red herrings and suspects. Really looking forward to this one.

Traffic School, Vader, And RTB

I had a small mental breakdown when I saw Maili's recent column over at Romancing The Blog.

The witch stole my idea!

OK, so it was technically her idea first. And it's my own damn fault for not e-mailing her, because when I saw the title of her post before it went live, I had a feeling that was what her focus was going to be on.

I could have probably kept my original column on child characters in romance novels, since my ranty focus tended to be on toddler characters and the lisp - but thought it would be in poor taste to have two very similar columns so close together. So I spent my weekend thinking up a new idea - and came up with one. Just got done writing it and it's set to go live on June 10.

And I think it's fairly original - so I'm not fretting about the other posters this week.

My weekend was basically shot to hell thanks to Traffic School. Yours truly made the mistake of not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign a few months back - and the young, cute police officer had the nerve to give me a ticket! With visions of high car insurance costs for the next 3 years, I took the option of Traffic School.

Never again. Never, ever, ever again. I would rather have 3 root canals and my finger nails pulled out simultaneously than go through that 8 hours of hell again. Most...Boring...Day...Ever.

But I made up for it on Sunday. The Boyfriend and I went and saw Revenge Of The Sith on IMAX. Very, very cool - and here's a shock, we both really liked this movie. Of course going in with absolutely no expectations helped considerably. Expect nothing = walking away pleasantly surprised.

The Masquerading Librarian

Wrapped up Amber By Night (Silhouette Desire 1495) by Sharon Sala on my lunch break yesterday and am still pondering my enjoyment of it.

Technically this book should have insulted my intelligence - but dang if I didn't enjoy parts of it. Let me explain:

The heroine is a frumpy, dumpy librarian by day (the clincher being she lives with two elderly, spinster aunts) and by night she's a sexy cocktail waitress. The hero is the town bad boy who the heroine has pined after for years - but as the dumpy librarian he doesn't know she exists. But as va-va-va-voom waitress, his tongue is dragging on the floor and he's thinking unpure thoughts.

Is it any wonder that I might be insulted by this? The heroine has no life. She feels obligated to her aunts, so she dresses like a spinster (I swear to you, she wears "shirtwaists"). So instead of having her own life, she looses her identity altogether.

So what works about this story? Well the heroine originally takes the job of cocktail waitress to save up money to buy a car. That's right - her librarian job pays her dick. I could relate to this in a big way - as can many underpaid librarians.

Keep in mind that librarians have Master's degrees. That's right - many of us carry at least 2 degrees (if not more in the academic field), and have the student loans to prove it. Yet, I often see jobs like the following: Library Director wanted. MLS degree preferred. 5+ years experience. $28,000-$36,000.

How's that for insulting?

So it's totally plausible that the poor heroine would need to take a second job to buy a car - especially if her meager salary was helping to support a family of 3 (her and the 2 aunts).

Also, the hero finds out rather quickly that the heroine is leading a double-life, so he plays along. It's actually rather fun.

Will I read Sala again? Sure. I have several of her romantic suspense titles in the TBR. Am I still looking for a convincing librarian heroine in series romance? Yep.