Sunday, April 13, 2014
Dear Mr. Verlander
Last night was your night. The night it finally happened. You not only got your first major league hit, but you got two major league hits and came around to score your first run.
I know, those silly National League teams. Making pitchers have at-bats. It's cruel. It's unusual. I'm pretty sure it defies the Geneva Conventions. And as interleague play has rolled around every year, you've had to toil away at the plate and encounter nothing but futility. You've had to contend with reporters pestering you with "So, is this the game you think you'll get your first major league hit?"
Now I know you're a professional athlete. I know you are THE Justin Verlander. I know you must work very hard at your job. But let us reflect for a moment on WHY you got those first two major league hits and scored your first run all in the same game.
A game played a San Diego.
A game that THE Super Librarian, along with the added punch of the Super-Parents just happened to be in attendance for.
That's right Justin. Ma, Pa and most importantly - me, me, me - just might be your good luck hitting charm. I mean, I know you're rumored to be dating Kate Upton, but honestly what does she have that I don't have?
But was she ever RWA Librarian of the Year? Can she create whole plots of Harlequin novels based on your teammates? Oh sure, she may look OK in a bikini but really, what's more important to you?
Wait. Don't answer that.
But hey, I was there Justin. I was there for those two hits. I think we both know that me being in the stands had everything to do with everything. You know, just like in The Natural!
Just replace the hat with a tiara and add a cape. You'll get the idea.