Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Oh No They Aren't!

Dear Hollywood Assholes Incapable of Having An Original Idea,

I read on the Internet today that there are plans for another movie version of the popular board game, Clue. OK, this time you assholes have gone too far. I've been annoyed by the fact that no one in Hollywood seems capable of coming up with an original horror movie idea ("Hey, let's make another version of Friday the 13th!" "How about Saw 25?" "Let's have Rob Zombie remake Halloween!"), but I've been able to roll with it because, quite frankly, I'm not a horror movie fan. But now y'all are messing around with a movie that doesn't need to be messed with.

It's quite possible only my Lil' Sis and BFF will understand my anguish, but the 1985 movie version of Clue is one of my all-time favorite movies. Besides my insatiable crush on Tim Curry, it also features the delectable Lesley Ann Warren as Miss Scarlet (I would kill for the dress she wears in the movie!), plus amusing appearances by Christopher Lloyd, Martin Mull and Michael McKean. But the clincher? The pièce de résistance? Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White. Madeline frickin' Kahn!

And you want to make another movie version? When the first go around featured Madeline frickin' Kahn! Are y'all high? Seriously, I need to know. You're all high, aren't you?

It's funny, it's got a slew of fabulous one-liners (I can quote the whole damn movie), and it amuses the crap out of me. It's goofy and silly and there are a bunch of dead bodies. Heck, there are even three alternate endings. It's like a visual Choose Your Own Adventure with dead bodies in it. It doesn't get better than that.

And now y'all want to go and make another one. Leave it alone. Get a clue (pun intended). Come up with an original idea already. What other favorite films of mine are going to be next? A new version of Gone With the Wind starring Zac Efron as Rhett Butler? (Shoot me now if this is the case. Please. I'd consider it a mercy killing.) Fight Club starring Robert Pattinson? Fried Green Tomatoes with Miley Cyrus?

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Seriously, you all suck.

Sincerely,
Little Miss Crabby Pants AKA Wendy the Super Librarian

37 comments:

iasa said...

I'm with you, I hope, hope they don't remake Clue. I freaking love that movie. It is one of the few films I can watch again and again.

Skye Forbes said...

Seriously! I can't believe it. One of the best movies of all time... and Mrs. White? Genius. "I was so angry...flames..."

Kati said...

I'm TOTALLY with you! The first movie version is fantastic! I love Madelaine Kahn in it.

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Wendy, you are a girl after my own heart! When I heard they may remake Clue I was cursing up a storm.
Clue is one of my all time favorite movies. I throw out lines from Clue, Airplane and Monty Python.

Lori said...

When they ran that thing at the end of the Oscars showing clips of upcoming movies I was struck by how many of them were remakes or "Dumbass Movie---Part Eleventy". The ones that weren't either of those were based on books or comics or toys.

This has been true for years but when even the Oscars can't find anything else to show it's pretty much official that Hollywood is totally out of ideas.

sybil said...

love, love, love, love Clue

Totally

Tim Curry is just the best

Would like to see the new Friday the 13th though ;)

Barbara said...

I remember that movie!! Man, they need some new ideas! Speaking of using someone else's stuff. Can I borrow Ms. Crabby Pants? I'm having one hell of a crappy day :-/

Wendy said...

If I'm reading the article right, this new version wouldn't be a direct remake of the 1985 movie. Basically they're just taking the game board concept and making another movie about it. Still, it chaps my buns. How could another version be better than the first one? Not possible!

Lori: Two upcoming movies, and the only two I'm excited about seeing, are Sherlock Holmes and Public Enemy. Which come to think of it - neither of which are new concepts. In Public Enemy we have Johnny Depp playing John Dilinger and Christian "I Desperately Need Anger Management" Bale as the FBI agent obsessed with tracking him down. Robert Downey Jr. is playing Sherlock Holmes, with Jude Law is Dr. Watson. Guy Ritchie is directing, so I'm hoping the film will have a lovely "gritty" Victorian-feel to it......

Barbara: Since I "borrowed" the graphic for Little Miss Crabby Pants, you're more than welcome to borrow her. I found her on my image hosting site, and she bares an eerie resemblance to my Mom's side of the family. So I adopted her. She's become my go-to gal for when I am not amused.

Lori said...

Wendy I'm with you on the Sherlock Holmes. I think it looks like it'll be good. RDJ is just looking ridiculously good and all kinds of happy these days, which makes me glad.

I haven't seen the trailer for Public Enemy, but if it has Johnny Depp and Christian "I Desperately Need Anger Management" Bale it'll at least be worth checking out. (Bale really does need some sort of help. Dang.)

Katiebabs a.k.a KB said...

Isn't it bad enough they are remaking Nightmare on Elm Street and Last House on the Left?

lustyreader said...

Why mess with a good thing!? I am currently torn between curiosity and dismay that Fox is remaking one of my all-time favorites: Romancing the Stone. We could always use more romance novelist heriones in our movies these days, but Kathleen Turner will always be the best "Joan Wilder" for me!
PS- and I *shuddered* at the though of Efron as Rhett, ugh.

Rosie said...

Remakes. Blech! SL, I love it when you get on with your crabby pants self. So entertaining!

CindyS said...

Let us in, let us in!

Let us out, let us out!

My best friend and I used to randomly start yelling these lines. I haven't seen the movie in years but I should.

And seriously, Tim Curry. Love him.

I guess if George Lucas can have a re-take of his movies anyone can now do as they please. Ugh.

CIndyS

JamiSings said...

Hollywood needs to get their heads out of their butts. You know they want to remake The Monster Squad? UG! Probably with CGI. It's not TMS without rubber bats, bad lines, and kids talking about Wolfman's nards.

JamiSings said...

I wish we could edit our comments.

I honestly have to say I'm not thrilled with Robert playing Holmes. Holmes is my childhood hero. I read the books until they fell apart. And frankly I think Alan Rickman would've been a WAY better choice. Or if it had to be an American actor, then Brent Spiner would do. For one thing, both in one particular physical feature have more in common with Holmes then Downey, and that's their nose. Holmes is suppose to have a big nose. Besides, both are far superior actors. And let's not forget that Holmes is British and therefore an actual British actor like Rickman would've been the best choice by far. Besides, he has such a sexy voice. Yummy!

Wendy said...

Jami: Ooooh, you're right. I'm positively drooling over the idea of Rickman as Holmes. How I love me some Alan Rickman.....

azteclady said...

I would say that's impossible... 'cept it isn't.

crud.



[Rickman as Holmes? *swoon* I would even go to the actual movie theater for that)

Alie said...

Did you hear they are seriously remaking Bonnie & Clyde with Hilary Duff and some other guy? :S Ugh.

iasa said...

Alie, are you serious?

This thread has taken me from mildly pissy to Hulk Smash angry. Remaking movies is one of my pet peeves, although I'm sure there are a few I've enjoyed. But I can't think of any off hand.

Wendy said...

And then there are the plans to remake The Karate Kid starring Will Smith's son, Jaden. That one has My Man slightly horrified because he remembers his big sister taking him to see it when he was a little squirt.

Seriously, we could go on for days....that's the sad truth.

JamiSings said...

Well, the good news on the KK front is they're NOT planning on using Smith's son as Daniel. Even Smith says his kid is way too young for that. Though he might get a cameo. They're debating though on either recasting Pat Moreta(sp?) or instead casting Jackie Chan.

But I still don't think they should remake it.

I wish Hollywood, if they must go with remakes, instead of taking good movies and making them bad, would take bad movies and make them good. Take Plan 9 From Outter Space. Acting, writing, etc is epically bad. However, put the basic plot - aliens so afraid of humanity's destructive tendencies that they fear humans will not only destroy themselves, but every planet around them that these aliens come here and play on our superstitious fear of the dead - it's actually a really good plot idea. Put it in the hands of a better writer - I'm going with Dean Koontz because Stephen King is lacking something since that car hit him - and a good director - like George Romero or Tim Burton - and you could actually have a quality movie.

Or Hollywood could just come to me. I'm a terrible writer, but I'm good at coming up with plots. I actually have three ideas I've been trying to find someone to turn into scripts. I'm even willing to take second banana in writing credits since they'd be doing the actual writing. Just so long as they got written.

little alys said...

What? What?!?!!! How dare they! How could they even contemplate such a thing!!! Terrible. Just terrible. Oh my love of Tim Curry and Madeline Kahn. The horror.

I must go home and curl up with some chocolate to rewatch the only Clue movie allowed.

joykenn said...

NO, NO, that is just WRONG. I remember when the movie came out and you were supposed to come back again and again to see the other endings. Didn't work, people just sat through it three times. "Flames, flames...." Really clever different endings, I was glad when they put them all together in one film. I never miss it on TV.

I don't think original thought is ALLOWED in Hollywood. Star Trek was "Wagon Train to the Stars". Notice that Best Picture isn't going to any of those remakes. They might have one or two ideas to rub together and they get passed around the picture industry so that we had, what THREE, movies come out where an asteroid heads toward earth. (Liked Teo Leone one especially when she downs a couple of double martinis in the oh so civilized meeting with her Dad and his new wife her age.) One guy has an idea and it gets overheard so another twists it and pretty soon we've got battle of the Hollywood clone movies. BLAH!

Kristie (J) said...

I feel so lonely! i don't think I've ever seen Clue - though I have played the game of course.

But I do shudder at the thought of some of the other ones mentioned. Bonnie & Clyde??? With Hilary Duff? OMG - that's just horrifying.
And The Karate Kid??? That one is almost a classic - at least in family. When Brent was a little guy he would spend HOURS perfecting the Crane Kick and just longed for us to ask him to do it in front of people. Of course when he practised Crane Kicking his little brother things weren't quite as amusing.
I hate when they take perfectly good movies that we have fond memories of and make them over. B&C was when I first kind of clued in about o r a l sex

Kristie said...

I love this movie! I own it on video. My brother and I watched it all of the time growing up and now as I watch it as an adult I catch so many other things I never got before!

Lori said...

Yes, they're remaking Bonnie & Clyde with Hillary Duff as Bonnie. Faye Dunaway had a rather public conniption about it. Normally I frown on that sort of thing but in this case I this it was totally justified.

I agree with JamiSings that they should remake bad movies, not good ones. There are hundreds and hundreds of movies that fall into the "close but no cigar category". A good idea or a good cast that just didn't turn into a good movie. They should be fixing those. The fact that they don't just shows that it has nothing to do with art and everything to do with trying to use familiarity to make money from a built in audience.

Lil Sis said...

I too just saw this on TMZ and about had a cow!!! No way can they replace that cast! Everyone was FANTABULOUS!!! :(

Oh, and I love Alan Rickman, I mean, I love Robert but I think Rickman would be uber hot as Sherlock. :) Great suggestion Jami!

Oh, and stop getting all down on Bale - he can scream at me all he wants. I find it hot that he gets all angry. Hell yea! :)

Lori said...

They're remaking Bonnie & Clyde with Hillary Duff as Bonnie?!?!?! GET OUT!!!

And I agree completely. Alan Rickman would rock as Sherlock Holmes.

Lori said...

OK, technically they're not calling it a remake of Bonnie & Clyde exactly. It's the some sort of "story behind the story" crap. This will no doubt actually be worse than a straight remake.

http://www.filmstalker.co.uk/archives/2009/01/bonnie_and_clyde_remake_really.html

Shaymless Aymless said...

Ugh! How can they top Tim Curry and Madeline Kahn?!

Who else but Madeline can say...

"Men should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong and disposable."

catie james said...

I'm still pissed off over Hollywood's remake of Witch Mountain starring The Rock. I mean--WTB(loody)F? Now they wanna screw with Clue? They'll probably turn it into some horror-fest that takes itself waaaaayyy to seriously. ARGH!

Kimberly Anne said...

Please, tell me I'm hallucinating. Clue? And Romancing the Stone? Why not destroy the rest of my childhood while you're at it?

There are already too many movies I have to pretend don't exist. (Anne of Green Gables: the Continuing Story, anyone?) Dammit, Hollywood, don't give me any more!

Cathy in AK said...

Late to the comment party, but I have to add my disgust to the idea of a new "version" of Clue. They will never find an ensemble as electrifying as Tim Curry, Madelaine Kahn et al. Never. Ever.

Madelaine was a comedic goddess. Young Frankenstein? Blazing Saddles? She totally owned those movies as well.

Wendy said...

I'd just like to chime in and say this is probably the most comments one of my posts as ever generated that didn't deal with me evacuating from the wild fires last November.

Now I want to watch Clue. Lord, I still have it on VHS. Must. Get. DVD. copy.

Alie said...

Yep totally wrong about Bonnie & Clyde!

Did you hear about the Fame remake? Here is the trailer: http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=1318&item=0

I also saw that they're thinking of redoing Footloose. This is blasphemy!

Tracy said...

I'm with you - Hollywood can't come up with any original ideas. geesh!

Lori said...

I saw the the preview of the totally unnecessary Fame remake, but Footloose? That's where I draw the line.