Dear Hollywood Assholes Incapable of Having An Original Idea,
I read on the Internet today that there are plans for another movie version of the popular board game, Clue. OK, this time you assholes have gone too far. I've been annoyed by the fact that no one in Hollywood seems capable of coming up with an original horror movie idea ("Hey, let's make another version of Friday the 13th!" "How about Saw 25?" "Let's have Rob Zombie remake Halloween!"), but I've been able to roll with it because, quite frankly, I'm not a horror movie fan. But now y'all are messing around with a movie that doesn't need to be messed with.
It's quite possible only my Lil' Sis and BFF will understand my anguish, but the 1985 movie version of Clue is one of my all-time favorite movies. Besides my insatiable crush on Tim Curry, it also features the delectable Lesley Ann Warren as Miss Scarlet (I would kill for the dress she wears in the movie!), plus amusing appearances by Christopher Lloyd, Martin Mull and Michael McKean. But the clincher? The pièce de résistance? Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White. Madeline frickin' Kahn!
And you want to make another movie version? When the first go around featured Madeline frickin' Kahn! Are y'all high? Seriously, I need to know. You're all high, aren't you?
It's funny, it's got a slew of fabulous one-liners (I can quote the whole damn movie), and it amuses the crap out of me. It's goofy and silly and there are a bunch of dead bodies. Heck, there are even three alternate endings. It's like a visual Choose Your Own Adventure with dead bodies in it. It doesn't get better than that.
And now y'all want to go and make another one. Leave it alone. Get a clue (pun intended). Come up with an original idea already. What other favorite films of mine are going to be next? A new version of Gone With the Wind starring Zac Efron as Rhett Butler? (Shoot me now if this is the case. Please. I'd consider it a mercy killing.) Fight Club starring Robert Pattinson? Fried Green Tomatoes with Miley Cyrus?
Seriously, you all suck.
Little Miss Crabby Pants AKA Wendy the Super Librarian