Dear Flaming Pile Of Dog Shit:
Thank you so much for hacking not only into my Yahoo e-mail account, but my Amazon account as well. I'm sure sending me into a state of panic was a nice way for you to break up your busy day of sitting in your mom's basement, eating microwave burritos and playing World Of Warcraft. Since you obviously haven't gotten laid, ever, I'm so pleased that I was able to add a little jolly excitement to your day.
Please be advised that I have it on good authority that there is a special place in Hell for ass wipes such as yourself and I've already contacted a voodoo priestess to put a hex on your balls. I wasn't entirely sure at first, given that you're obviously not using them and will likely not miss them, but she seems pretty knowledgeable and I'm nothing if not determined. Expect them to shrivel up and fall off any day now.
The Super Librarian
PS - If anyone out in cyberspace got any weirdo e-mails from me and/or you sent me something of importance that I never responded to, please resend. On the bright side, once I found their customer service number, Yahoo was extremely helpful. My Amazon account is currently frozen, and I'm still awaiting word. Now I'm off to verify that other accounts are still intact.....